You don’t have to die to experience hell. I have no idea why your father was a abysmal black hole of a human, but I would guarantee you that he lived in his own eternal hell. He also visited that hell upon you every day of your life. “The sins of the father…”
Jeff, we sometimes have to become the parent to ourselves that we wish our parents had been. Part of that process is letting go of the illusion that our so-called parents deserved anything from us that they did not earn, so bravo to you in having the courage to let go of that fantasy.
Step by step, we leave the illusions and live our authentic lives. By accepting the reality of who he was, you give freedom to yourself to recreate a more evolved and joyous self. Blessed be, buddy! It’s a long and winding road.