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Light the Light Amidst the Darkest Night

When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world

What I’m about to say is so valuable to me that I’ve withheld from saying the words out loud. I’ve withheld from speaking them into writing existence because having lived in a darkness filled with an indescribable void still frightens the part of me that thinks cycles run endlessly.

I feel love and compassion for myself. There is a space within me so gentle and safe that I embrace the world without the fear of abandonment- without the fear of constant rejection- the fear of being unloved.

There was a decade, maybe more, in which the dreams that I was dying in were the best I could have asked for. I couldn’t trace my emotions because I learned that the safest way to move forward was by anesthetizing my sensing world- by abandoning my spirit in a realm safer than the Inferno of Earth.

The hell on Earth landscape portrays a beast living inside every single human I meet, including myself. This creature stretches it’s six tentacles inside of me and attaches parasitically to every organ, every orifice, every thought and extends out to everyone around me with a fury that suffocates me with rage. This beast has no color, no scent, and no physical appearance, but when you touch it, the hovering black shadow it casts over you is crystal clear. The life you thought was yours isn’t under your control anymore. The intruder has created a hologram of your life with reversed details. Your rose colored glasses switch off and all you see is a world overflowing with shades of grays and blurry details. Emotions can be seen, but rarely felt. Love is understood, but you’re not an active participant of it. You see your hands reaching to get a grip on the truth, but the truth is so far out of reach that it sinks your body further into another level of hell.

One thing I’ve learned from my experience on Earth is that there are a million ways to die. Some deaths are quick, your soul leaves your body way before the deadly blow. Some deaths are slow, causing your spirit to stay in your body as a means of instilling bits of wisdom useful to those you’re leaving behind. Other deaths are a little bit of both, so tragic and unexpected that a single moment in time lives infinitely in the imprint of a soul and the hearts of those still living. Within and without all those ways, are other ways of ceasing to exist that defy human awareness and for which language has yet to cast it’s spell.

The transition between heaven and hell is never linear and when you place your rose colored glasses back on, the two exist in an inter-dimensional dance that only the most integrated soul can orchestrate.

The transformation begins when you light a very small flame amidst an intensely dark night. A light as small as a mustard seed is enough to spark expansion. To enter the chrysalis representative of growth is a process that unbeknownst to those in it, is incredibly arduous. Becoming an amplified version of ourselves is never a comfortable process.

When I lit my first candle amidst the darkest night of my soul, the beast I had hidden and considered tossed away, emerged more volatile and destructive. But this time, I kept the light on and sat face to face with my shadows. For several years now, I’ve been slowly adding more light to the unseen and been taking my time with the truth. Sitting in the dark and being aware of it is incredibly frightening. However, with time the dance has become a bit smoother and I’ve gained enough confidence in myself to know that when balance is disrupted, I still have the light to guide me.

Although I’m still in the chrysalis learning to be a master danseuse of the primordial principles of good and evil, I have a lot of hopes. My hopes are that when I emerge as the whole human I am searching for, my feelings of wholeness would have graduated to the next level of heaven on Earth. My hopes are that when I reach the wholeness, I’ll be able to channel into words the significant truth of being human and the magic of living in heaven on Earth.