I’m laying in my van on the Gold Coast of Australia. what a place I don’t want to be, but I am here to learn and be by myself and it really is the place to be for that. the people here are disconnected and superficial. the most you would get is “morning” if you said nothing or didn’t actively pursue a conversation.
so today I’m heading to the horse races on the back of training and establishing a new life for myself. I painted my nails, which I’ve been doing. not to draw attention to myself but to say hey I’m a creative, and I’m approachable….. at least that’s what I think I’m trying to saying.
on Thursday I met the most beautiful woman. I had seen her before and she took my breath away. she looks and dresses like a Gold Coast girl, so I completely dismissed my initial feeling, but after that I had heard she’s an artist and when I met her again my mind was completely changed as she spoke. she appears very shy and unsure of herself, someone that may have had a sheltered life, her loves and passions so very much on the surface. she talked about her weight, that maybe she struggled with when she was younger and I wanted to tell her what I really thought of her, that she amazed me, and to me she was perfect.
Though I feel I’m at a kind of road block or a junction and I knew with the way she was playing with her hair and the cute pile of paper she had made whilst I talked to her that I would quickly fall into this. I quietly kept my distance, am i really ready for this, her, a life with another person. am I getting ahead of myself, I think not, as the next day I went running and I couldn’t concentrate on anything but her, that is not a good sign. Already I’ve lost focus and control and I’ve had one conversation.
so I’m back to be alone, living partially in my van as I deconstruct my life. the thought is “what am I deconstructing too”, what is my destination? I just have this feeling by having nothing, I have everything, the more I remove from my life the more I feel I gain.
I’m borrowing a shower whilst I’m down here and turning up at my friends place I saw him in his underwear moping the floor. I laughed and joked about it for a while with him. if your a creative I would imagine you could understand why, but for him it brings him joy and purpose. I love him, but we are so very different and yet I appreciate his way of life and in some ways admire and desire his simple ways of achieving happiness, I believe this man to be a happy man.
and I thought about this, this morning…. I am happy, right now, in this period of my life I am happy. but it is not the happiness that I felt as a younger person, that has gone and I wish people to not pursue that kind of happiness, but instead pursue a feeling of content and so when i feel happiness, or talk about it, I am really feeling I am talking about the feeling of contentment. and even that, those words give me that feeling.
as I sat this morning drinking tea at a corner cafe, whilst reading born to run I got a shiver, a shiver of happiness at something I read, now that was a feeling of happiness that I once had in abundance, but now it is fleeting and rare, and yet i felt somehow it was just part of the now I feel content, and sometimes that feeling sits and stays with me as now,… maybe this is part of the journey.