bow down to life’s struggles

strange predicaments to be in… hand in your keys if you can’t tow the line’ the boss says.

I can’t tow the line’ I’m replying. I can’t,.. I’m thinking I really can’t. I’m done, I can’t do office work anymore, no more quiet time alone in the office, no more working for nothing.

and then where is the pay raise, where is my future? what am I working for, the bosses wife dislikes me, thinks I’m abusing my privileges. the grand son is to be my boss, apparently? who knows, who really knows, not anybody in the company… it’s closed communication there, it’s quiet thoughts and undelt hands. nothing is shown and everything is left to the imagination.

the aging boss is now in seventies and I wonder where it all will end up, it doesn’t fit though, nothing fits. I want for out, out of the politics, just me and my van and the simply life. and regardless of what happens at the office, I want to be independent not tied into a volatile situation.

that is my work,…. this is my life at the office. and here is me running in the other direction to be free of these bonds,…

what is to become of vanlife,… wondering,… wandering. lost… beaten.

ultra running has taught me that this is the place to ignore pain, ignore my voice of doubt. this is where you dig in and grind,… I feel myself grinding.. attempting to work myself forward, to not give in or give up.

oh,…

I am depressed at the moment, hard training, lack of sleep, a weekend of drinks, job uncertainty and my bowels tender from an unknown sickness,… oh and to top it off a woman that doesn’t support me. I’m down for the count and I’m only looking to myself for a pick me up. it will come. the tide turns,… most of the time. .. positive negatives.

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