I have always wanted to get into a fight with God. Preferrably a street fight with bare hands. I was eight years old when I was first exposed to the phrase “God is dead”. Back then I did not immediately believe in that phrase because he — the one I perceived as God — was sitting on the pavement right in front of me. I then challenged him to get into a fight with me and he refused for he thought I was too young.
“Too young for what?” I asked.
“Why do you assume that I am the embodiment of God?” he asked back.
I could not answer.
“Then come back when you have matured enough to realize whom should you fight. Maybe I am not the one you would want to get into a fight with. Maybe I am not your epitome of God. The concept of God comes in different ways and forms to everyone”, he then said.
And he flew away.
And so time went by and I started to seek the God in everyone.
Age 13; I found my first love. At first he did make me feel like the sun; the ruler of his altar; and his heart was an incendiary — it burned mine. So I decided to believe that he was God. But I didn’t just stop there. I found ways to fight him; I tried to fight him out of my head. I fought against his principles; I told him that he made me lost amusement way too fast; I did try to make him fuck off from my head and he left. And I won. Turns out he wasn’t God.
Age 15; I was blessed with two godbrothers, namely Moonhawk and Fuzz. I thought they were gods. They shielded me with the faint light from Valhalla. But nothing gold can stay, and thus they didn’t stay for long. Fuzz left for the army to fight in the wars I did not know of and Moonhawk was just gone too soon because of pills and needles. And so I was alone again; there were no battles but we were all defeated. I lost. And so did they. And for the second time I failed to find God again.
Age 17; I was fond of believing that drugs were my God. Once I woke up on a hospital bed with IV tubes hanging around
and I thought I got defeated by what I thought was God. But one year later I stopped using them which made me grow the realization that I have defeated them and they weren’t my God.
Age 19; I always managed to win all those street fights and I was always ranked first in all those speed races and no one has ever defeated me in all those first person shooter games. I was God to my friends and I wanted to believe that I was God.
And so I approached that being again and I then asked him “am I God?”
He sat there and asked me back; “All these time who are you trying to fight?”
And the truth was upheld; all these time I have always tried so hard to fight myself. It wasn’t a fight on the streets; it was a fight in my head. It wasn’t a speed race; it was a race against myself. It wasn’t a first person shooter game; it was the urge to shoot me down. And when I finally got the might to declare out loud; “I am God. And God is dead.”