How to Survive a Southern Thanksgiving Post-Election in 5 Easy Steps

Many dread being force-fed cranberry sauce and football, pie and politics. Here are some tips to make it out alive post-election in the southern states.

  1. Keep your heads out of your devices.
    Why get riled up reading your uncle’s offensive political posts online, when you can be offended by him in real-time, in-person! Bringing more fake uncited/unconfirmed news into the dinner-time conversation won’t add to the one you really need to be having, see “How do we replace our crooked politicians with men and women of honor who fight for all people?” You may only see certain family members a few times a year, and if they aren’t racist pieces of shit, maybe you should ask them some questions about their lives! How is the new job? I saw lil Harry’s piano recital on Instagram he’s getting so big, is he still into Ninja Turtles? What’s it like to finally have health insurance?
  2. Listen to and empathize with your family. (If they are racists, why the hell are you eating a meal with them?) 
    Instead of slinging mashed potatoes and accusations across the table, maybe you should consider why family members voted a certain way. Perhaps government regulations are killing off jobs in their field, and they are scared they won’t be able to provide for their family. Maybe a devout Christian felt their only voice in support of an unborn child’s life just happened to be an orange troll. To categorize all DT supporters in the same light as the KKK endorsers would be like saying all Muslims are terrorists. That divides us, and is unfounded in fact. Empathy and understanding is a two-way street.
  3. Unite in your hatred for the Senate.
    If you both can’t share in your hatred for Mitch McConnell, you may be up Shit Creek and should jump to step 4. But, if you can agree that the senate is incompetent and doesn’t work for the people, maybe you can find some issues you both agree deserve addressing like: the wage gap and income inequality, the growing deficit and how poor our veterans’ care has become upon their return from war. Feel the hate flow through you! Oh wait that was gravy…
  4. Talk about NCAA Football whether you like it or not. (unless you are in Kentucky, then switch to NCAA basketball)
    There is nothing folks in the south share in common more than their love of college football. Feed the conversation with little tidbits to steer them away from unwanted political talk. Here are some sample questions you can bring up: Who was a better coach Nick Saban or Urban Meyer? What is the best tailgating cooler for Baton Rouge weather in July? When will Florida fans stop wearing jean shorts?
  5. Find respite in a classic. Take a nap.
    You can’t slander your family or accuse them of racism if you are sawing logs open-mouthed in the living room right? I suggest going back for that 3rd piece of pie and pursuing that second round of mashed potatoes and gravy before your first bowel movement. Recall our historically grand relationship with the Native Americans, partake in one of America’s most gluttonous pastimes, and claim that recliner y’all! If all else fails, hide on the side of your parents home like that 16 year-old version of yourself and spark up that natural green remedy that’s been helping Americans nap, enjoy the music of Phish and tolerate their families for decades.

Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!