This Week in Alternate History: Donald Trump Wins World Facial Cup

Trump secures victory, makes USA proud, and quenches narcissistic thirst

Today, we open the vault and flip back to February 2017. An unlikely character snaps large swaths of the American public into a nationalistic trance with a ‘yuge’ win at an ever ‘yuger’ event — The World Facial Cup

After a dizzying pace of preparation and countless TV appearances, long time ‘personality’ and one-tiny-hand-short-of-a billionaire Donald Trump eliminated Russian finalist Bulat Izymaykov in what play by play announcer Brent Fusberger called “a veritable facial death match” to win gold for the first time in United States history.

With his training slogan, ‘Make America Great At Facials Again”, Trump entered the fray several months ago as an under dog. Trump engaged and won public support by being a general loud mouth, cocky, beat your chest competitor — a strategy not often used in such serious arenas of competition, where giving your opponent “bulletin board” material is known to be dangerous.

Even a last minute leak by Team Russia that Trump was involved in a urine-soaked prostitution scandal didn’t stop the Trump Train from entering the arena with full confidence, bravado and a brashness unmatched by generations of those who have competed.

“I’m telling you, I have the best facials ever. Ever. No one contorts like I contort. I mean, look at me — my face was made for this”

Let’s review the action and key highlights that won the day for Donald J. Trump:

Trump came out with a bang. Wasting no time, going for the ‘deep ball’, he hit with a ‘Triple Facial Salchow’. For most a ‘drop the mic’ move, Trump instead used it to get out to a fast lead on Izymaykov.

Never known for having a strong chin, it’s pure magic that Trump’s skin-folds can manage such precise control

The Russian competitor Izymaykov punched back, hard in fact, and left Trump in a state of disarray only able to follow up the astonishing Triple Salchow with a sad ‘Kissy-Face on Loop’. An attention grabber in the 1950’s, this move since has been exposed as racially insensitive and had become fodder for only the lowest level of facial games. Trump, in the post-game was still defiant about his choice of the trick, however.

Urban Areas are War Zones

As if that knock back wasn’t enough, Trump followed it up with a low-skill ‘Dismissal that 20M+ Americans receive Health Insurance through the Afordable Care Act’. To be fair, a move only really championed by Trump’s bench coach Paul “Spineless” Ryan — a once hopeful facial candidate, now a disgraced bench coach.

Is he stubborn, an idiot, or just fucking insane wondered the crowd.

This was Trump’s pick-six returned for a touch down, his burdened turnover. He might as well have been a Beagle dropping a heater in the middle of the Westminster Dog Show at this point in the night.

After these setbacks, something extraordinary happened. A series of combo moves highlighted by “What I’d Look Like when they Electrocute me for Treason”, Trump came soaring back as if on the wings of a teflon bald eagle to jump back out to the lead. From there, he didn’t look back all the way to a candlelit celebration dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

The ‘Full Eyeball Extension with Hand-Flail’ was another one of Trump’s brilliant moves

President Hillary Clinton applauded Trump’s effort calling it a “Great day to be an American” as Trump’s win coincided with a congressional reaffirmation of the ACA as well as a visit by American-Muslim leaders to the White House to discuss relief programs for recent war refugees from formerly ISIS held Mosul in Syria.