*Record Scratch*…
“You cannot get away with the soft toy tiger Dr Evil! I will stop you. I know how you plan to use the tiger to trigger a collapse of the global economies resulting in pandemonium!
What’s that? You’ll throw the tiger at me? That won’t stop me!
What’s that? You’re not trying to stop me, just distract me? That won’t work!
What’s that? You were lying about this being a distraction or a soft toy, and it’s a real tiger about to eat me? Faaa — ”
*Record Scratch*
You might be wondering how we got here. A 73-year-old spy trying to fight an evil doctor on the north pole, well it’s an interesting story, but to explain this, we need to start at the beginning… the very beginning.
“I’m telling you, no-one will suspect us carrying cocaine in a soft-toy tiger! And if we do get caught, we can always blame it on the ethnic minorities. The cops here are pretty racist, they will buy it!
Oh shit, I see a cop… He’s not asking questions and about to shoot us! I FORGOT WE ARE THE MINORITIES HERE! FAAAA — ”
*Record Scratch*
You might be wondering why a 65-year-old drug-smuggler needs to smuggle cocaine into Mongolia, well, for that you need some background about my life. Fasten your seat-belts, because you are in for a roller-coaster!
“All I’m saying is we are in a situation which could be a story one day, and I don’t want to say something lame like “You’re under arrest”. If this moment is made into a flashback, I want to appear all cool by saying something like “Your time to torment trees terminates today, terrorist Tristan”. Is his name Tristan? Okay, maybe not that specifically, alliteration was an example. I just want to say something badass and memorable!
Holy shit, he’s running away! Is that a grenade he’s throwing at us? Faaa — ”
*Record Scratch*
You might ask…Why the tiger! Was his name really Tristan? What is he doing? What is going on? Why is the 43-year-old environmentalist-cum-police-officer listing questions that I might ask him?
Well, I believe the answers to those questions can be answered at the ver —
— Hey, are you getting bored and going away from this page? How will you ever know how I ended up fighting the tiger by Dr Evil?! You don’t care? FAAAA —
