Why can’t you be cool like me?

Okay, I believe you. Not looking at explosions will make me cool. But frankly, I am not around explosions very frequently. I have been around 0 so far, and I am 32.
And realistically, if I am around one, I would not care about looking cool THEN. If there are video cameras around, and I look cool during an explosion, I am suspect numero uno! I want to be the guy freaking the fuck out so the police provide me with victim treatment. You know, the whole blanket and hot chocolate thingy with my feet soaked in warm water and a massage after. I don’t know what all the package includes, but the whole shebang.

Okay fine, explosions are out. Another way to be cool is to have a witty one-liner when your nemesis finishes a monologue.

Hmm, not many nemeses. Also, if they respond to the witty one-liner with a one-liner of their own, then they appear cool and I lose. It’s 50/50 on that. Worth the risk?

Well, for our premium package we can provide you with a nemesis who will do the entire thing. Monologue, setting you up for a one-liner, and not responding to it.

Nah, again, don’t see it as a scalable solution.

Fair enough, you are the customer. An important aspect of being cool is how you look. First up, we need to get you some amazing shades.

Do you mean goggles?

Yes, it’s cooler to call them “shades”, or just the brand name if they are expensive. Like Salvatore Ferragamo, or Chopard for instance.

Hmm, can I afford these “shades”?

Hahaha. Fuck no! You are way too poor. However, you can talk about them in casual conversation and appear cool.

Alright, talk about brands of “shades”. Noted.

Yes, and you can stop with the air-quotes. I just did that to demonstrate what you can call them.

Gotcha. Anything else?

Well, wear more suits. Nothing is cooler than a suit.

What about a tux?

Well, okay a tux is cooler, but not always appropriate.

Well, neither is a suit!

Yes, hence I said wear MORE suits, not only wear suits. I mean don’t go running on the beach in a suit.

Ooh, is running cool? I have seen cool people run with their earphones and “shades”. Sorry, no air quotes, I forget. But I tried it once. It did not feel cool.

Sir, I am going to tell you what the coolest thing of all time is. But you gotta promise you won’t share it with everyone.

Yes! Finally! That’s why I came to you! So you can pretend to share something with just me, which you probably share with everyone, as that brings you credibility and trust!

I’m going to ignore that. The coolest thing… is confidence. Style is being yourself on purpose.

See, this is what I meant. If I don’t argue with you now, this sounds like that amazing one-liner to make you look cool. Especially if I had let there be a pause after you said it, but I have no fucking idea what that means. “Be yourself on purpose”. What the fuck does that even mean?!

Dang. I’m not sure. It’s always followed by a pause and made me feel cool.

Hmm. You think being cool is saying meaningless shit and hoping the listener does not care enough to question it?

Possibly?

Okay, I’ll be taking my money elsewhere.

After all that I did for you?

Yeah. Also, I lied about not being around explosions. You have 30 seconds to get your shit and walk out of here before I blow this place up.

What?

I said what I said. Good day.

*Puts on Cartier Panthere after that amazing one-liner, does not look fazed or at the building behind as it explodes into oblivion*