Wilderness Part 4 | K-Holes and Revelations

Note — All posts on this blog are works of fiction by the author and are intended for entertainment purposes only

My sister liked the sound of the K idea also so we set up camp in their tent and started to get things organised. As Emma blew up the Noz balloons for us, I dumped all the K I had onto a flat surface and started cutting up lines. Two things should be noted here: Firstly, that the addition of Ketamine to a nitrous oxide balloon is nothing short of spiritual and meditative as we knew from previous experiences of combining the two. Another is that I had not k-holed for a very long time, years in fact and had almost given up the idea of it ever happening again. I thought I had simply lost the ability to k-hole, my mind having already been so thoroughly used-up with the strange, awesome imagery that the drug produces. For those of you who aren’t fiendish delinquents, allow me to explain as best I can the intricacies of a k-hole. Ketamine is a disassociate drug which leaves the user virtually unable to communicate or talk properly, if done correctly. The first line one does usually results in hilarious conversation if you are with someone else who’s used to the drug, as your mind goes sideways and begins introducing strange and delightful concepts which you laugh madly about. The second line then practically robs you of the ability to talk entirely, as your mind is still trying to focus and catch up with whatever you are seeing and hearing, but always being one step behind. Conversation at this point becomes highly stilted and is mostly nonsense, whereas each thought you have becomes immensely intriguing. The annoying thing about this, as a writer, is that though you can have some of the most out-there thoughts of your life which often feel totally revolutionary, the second you think about something else, the previous thought it gone forever. I’m not kidding, you become like a dumb animal who only knows the second you are currently living; it’s interesting and bloody annoying if trying to hold conversation or write down thoughts. Writing is also near impossible on K as everything is out of focus and blurry, your fingers feeling like warm treacle as you squint at the keyboard to try and understand what you’re seeing. Ketamine is not a social drug, and it leaves people sitting in a room, all absorbed in their own minds. For this reason, I playfully coined the name ‘children’s heroin’ for it.

An actual advert from 1901 for Heroin, prescribed to help kids sleep

But then there is the k-hole which the user may achieve if he/she ingests a sufficient amount of K in order to lose sight of the world that we know completely and drift into another world filled with your hopes, dreams, past, present and aspirations. Many people I’ve met are scared of k-holing and describe it as feeling something close to dying. Personally, I bloody love it, and it is often this that separates the casual drug user from the veteran; the ability to endure the k-hole and come out on the other side a wiser man, rather than full of fear. I feel it is something to do with being a creative person that attracts me to k-holing, as well as other creative drugs like acid and weed, whereas other drug users are satisfied with happy, entry-level drugs like cocaine; not wishing to plunder the depths of their minds, nor wishing to extract the sick twisted thoughts that may lie deep within their subconscious. As John Lennon said, ‘Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see’. I bet he would have dug K had it been around back then.

But as I said, I had lost the ability to k-hole some years back, as at Uni I indulged in K, like many of my colleagues, often and fearlessly. Since graduating, I had therefore been unable to completely lose myself in the awesome power of the k-hole, as K usually just had the effect of blocking up my nose or making me sneeze uncontrollably, and I told my sister this as I was racking up lines. My intention tonight though, against my better judgement, was to do all the K I had continuously in order to force the k-hole rapidly onto my unsuspecting brain. And you know what? It worked! To my utter delight, I found myself deep within a k-hole once again, and reveled in the beauty of it. I should clarify here, when I reveled in the beauty of the k-hole, this was not until a few minutes after when I had fully emerged back into the tent where we lay. This is because, speaking personally here, I have never known I was in a k-hole whilst it was happening. Very much like a dream, you are only aware that you were in a k-hole after you have ‘woken up’. I had known this for a long time, but it was only that night after talking about it and enjoying my new-found ability to k-hole once again, that I realized how similar it is to the film Inception, which is also about dreaming. The reason it is like Inception is because to a certain extent you can control and influence the k-hole that you are in. If you are well tuned in the art, like meditation, you can return again and again to a world that you have shaped and have power over. However, because I was out of practice and never so good at controlling my k-holes in the first place, I had two very real and daunting k-holes that night that I remember.

The K-Holes of Living Death

In the first, I was seeing a screen, bigger than anyone can imagine, which was counting down the time the world had left to exist. I can’t say how I knew this, but I knew with absolute certainty that that was what was happening and I had the power to act on it. I had experienced this k-hole before, and in remembering it, the screens started counting down faster and faster, and with panic, not wanting to end the world I struggled to try and maintain some sort of control on the situation, but the more I focused on the task, the clearer and faster it ran, until there was nothing left and I knew I had been responsible for the death of the world. And then I woke up. Quite a k-hole to disappear down into after all those years, but when I realised it had been just a dream, I was fine again and anxious for the drug to show me more craziness. So I did another line and this time I was seeing myself up close and fearing that if I gaze too close, I will end up not being able to come back out of it. This then happened and I somehow disrupted the very fabric of my cells so that I dissolved my body and went back to a phase before I was born, as a singular cell revolving endlessly with other countless cells, being unable to cry out or move. This dream felt too real, and I felt for certain this time that I had really fucked things up and ended my own life through sheer power of thought. I then managed to successfully rip my mind from the k-hole and jolt myself back into the stream of consciousness that I am currently experiencing. This was a bit of an unpleasant k-hole, and I wondered why after all this time, my mind was seeking to punish me with visions of death and ending of the world. Previous k-holes I had had at University had often been beautiful, filled with lights and colours I can only now imagine with half-forgotten K dreams. But as I lingered on the idea of k-holes being intrinsically linked with death, and remembering what others before had said about k-holing being ‘like dying’, I concluded that there must be some inseparable connection between k-holing and death, as people say there is with DMT also (see Enter the Void).


Aside from the rather startling k-holes, the overall experience with K that night was a pleasant one as I put on the Inception soundtrack due to the connection I’d made between the film and k-holing, and achieved particular tranquility when the song ‘Time’ came on. I realized then that is was probably the best song ever made to k-hole to, with its gradually building notes and beautiful significance. It is common to listen to similar sort of music whilst doing balloons, which we were doing between k-holes. Our peace however was shattered when we heard a voice outside of our tent calling to us, asking for balloons. Me and my sister were pretty dazed from the K at this point, Nim having long since passed out, and we were un-keen to let a stranger into our tent to parlay with us for balloons. Aside from us being in no state to deal with things reasonably, we were also paranoid about letting strangers near our balloons as last year the security guards had heard our canister in the tent and seized it. Since then, we had been using a new silenced canister, but apparently it wasn’t silent enough. This negotiation for balloons with the stranger continued for at least half an hour as he talked to us relentlessly to try and persuade us to sell him some balloons and we responded occasionally in confusion. Eventually with the talk of £30 being handed over we relented and permitted him entrance into our tent. There was then at least another half another of awkward scrabbling around as we realized that this scrounger not only didn’t have the gas for the balloons, but neither did he have any balloons, or a canister! Meaning we had to make him the 10 or so balloons he wanted right there in our tent. We were less than pleased with this as he had shattered our tranquility, but after much confusion finally managed to give him what he wanted and shooed him out of our tent. After that Nim was not happy at our late night negotiations (it was 6am by this point), so loudly asked if we were done with messing about for the night. I took this as a sign to go back to my tent, which I did to watch Louis CK, smoke weed and eventually fall sleep.

More to come on Wilderness Festival next week!


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