Dealing with the Dark
Today is a dark day, so was yesterday. I know that I have used the picture above in a previous post — but it’s the only way I have to explain how the dark days feel. I feel heavy, I feel like I am carrying an extra person with me, i feel the weight on my and both in the pit of my stomach.
Everything is an effort. The decision to stay at home to work instead of making the twenty mile journey to Glasgow, and put on work clothes, and a face, is an easy decision. But it is also difficult because I know that there’s a chance that leaving the house might be good for me — but the effort of all of the above trumps that.
This is the worst I’ve felt in weeks — and it’s awful, it’s scary. What if that’s it? My good days are done and I’m back to this again? I have forgotten all of the self management techniques I have been trying so hard to gather and make a mental note of, well I’ve not totally forgotten — but I don’t see the point of them when I feel like this. But I know I should try. But as far as I got today was getting half dressed to look vaguely acceptable when I went to buy food. I am not bad enough that I don’t get hungry, but nik naks, a whole sharing bar of chocolate and toast and supernoodles isn’t what I should have eaten.
It has taken all of the energy I have to do the little I have done today, out of bed, put on jeans, go to the shop, and working. But now, I am so tired, that I can’t go to the sewing class i planned to tonight. This is the most difficult thing, doing one thing, and not being able to do another.
Tomorrow is another day, it feels like it will be forever coming, but I still have hope that tomorrow will be better.
Zero — Yeah Yeah Yeahs