Managing Self Stigma

One of the hardest things to manage that comes with depression and, as I understand it, most mental illness is the stigma that you turn around and apply to yourself. Self stigma is so difficult to manage because you truly begin to believe what your mind is telling you and therefore are more likely to bottle up and not seek the help you need.

I really struggled, and still do often, with the thought that I am not deserving of help and support, because I know that there others that live with more severe mental health conditions. This is where I think my work knowledge hinders me. I hear people’s stories (which is wonderful and one of my favourite bits of the job) but hearing stories of those who have had a more difficult life than mine and who have a long term mental health condition which has more of an impact on their lives makes me feel undeserving. And I know this is wrong. But I cannot help this thought, and it is the most difficult thought to challenge.

I have not had a difficult life, I know that I have had a comfortable and reasonably privileged life, but this has not stopped me having depression. This fuels the self stigma — why on earth do I have depression when I have nothing to be depressed about?

Those very things that we are trying to combat and stop others thinking and saying because of the harm it does, we turn in on ourselves when we are suffering.

On reflection I believe that these thoughts are part of the reason that I got to the point that I did and attempted suicide. I did not phone the crisis team, I said that I could wait two weeks for support, I didn’t fight hard enough for myself- because I believed I was not worth fighting for, I thought I was not as ill as someone else might be and therefore did not want to take up some time or resource that might be more needed by someone else. I thought that I would be turned away by the crisis team and told that someone else needed support more urgently.

I had tried to fight for myself, and despite doing a lot of the things that we are told to do to try and combat depression I still felt worthless and undeserving, and empty. Having tried to reach out to a GP for support when I was reaching breaking point weeks before and being brushed off, just proved to me that I wasn’t deserving. And I tried to persevere and I gave up my fight because trying to hold on to life felt like treading water with weights around my ankles.

Self stigma is still a massive challenge for me and actually writing this blog has been incredibly difficult because I’ve had to admit this. I still struggle to turn around the feeling of being undeserving of support. But I am getting better, I am well enough to catch myself and tell myself that I deserve support as much as the next person — everyone experiences depression and mental illness differently. And I know, that when I can’t see that I am needing and deserving of support, my support networks will be more likely to recognise the signs and help me when I cannot help myself.