Secondary Narcissistic Abuse:
How narcissists isolate their victims, and what it’s like to watch it happen to a loved one.
. I want to shed light on a different level of narcissistic abuse. The kind where you sit and watch the abuse happen to a friend or loved one and you experience the trauma of losing the person that you used to know.
. I want to call this secondary narcissistic abuse. Not only are you suffering abuse from the narcissist in the typical ways such a gaslighting, baiting, lying, smearing. etc… you are watching a friend or family member slip away under the hypnotic spell of their narcissist. This will throw you into an unrelenting tsunami of grief that deserves to be acknowledged.
. The Narc in your loved one’s life usually starts out looking like a gem to everyone in your family or circle of friends. They get along with everyone, they are charismatic, friendly, they are pros and making it seem like they care about you and your loved one. They will even go so far as to mirror your interests. They do things with you and maybe even for you. They smell like roses. They purposely get close so they can discover your weaknesses and use them to bring you down.
. Somewhere along the line, your loved one realizes that the one they are with isn’t who they thought they were, and isn’t who everyone else sees them as. They have found themselves living in a world of fear, emotional abuse, financial abuse and they begin to lose a sense of who they are and a sense of their own reality. They begin to lose parts of themselves. Your friend who was once a huge part of your life is being shredded by the claws of their puppeteer behind the scenes. Piece by piece, this person that you love is being emotionally beaten down and being taken apart, methodically. The narc feeds them lies, twisted stories, and brainwashes them slowly over the years. Their narcissist grooms them to believe that they are not loved by their family, or by their friends. They drill it in that the very support system they have had throughout life is false and full of bad people. Friends that were there long before the narc. Family members. They keep feeding this person untruths until the person starts to question reality and loses the ability to think for themselves. The narc finds ways to weaken their victim. They don’t let them sleep, they ruin them financially, they use children as pawns… all while making their victim believe that they can’t live without them. Twisting their victim’s reality to the extreme point that they actually believe that the person who has been breaking them to pieces is the person who “saved them” from everyone else. They play the part of the person who built them up after everyone else turned their backs on them. The truth however is that the friends and family did not turn their backs. The narc drove a wedge to cause the separation, to isolate their victim. No one will get between the narc and their victim… no one. They are masters of deceit. Professional gaslighters.
. Meanwhile, their victim’s friends and family are on the sidelines. They are being shut out of this person’s life one by one. Small scenarios that are stirred up by, or created by the narc are blown up and turned into reasons to end relationships. Lies are told, words are twisted, stories are fabricated until there is so much confusion and such a web of lies that the victim has no choice but to shrug and give up. The narc will go to extreme odds to find ways to appear as the victim in every single scenario. This is leaving your loved one with the impossible choice of siding with their friend/family, or standing up for their spouse/partner. The narc sometimes takes the communication reigns at this point. They speak for your loved one. They call the shots. They lay down the communication rules for everyone else. They might monitor your loved one’s communication. You watch your friend give up their friends, and give up their families, but probably the most painful part of all of this is watching someone give up on themselves. They were once full of vibrant life, love and laughter. What was once a life full of positive and beautiful interactions with loved ones has now been reduced to somewhat of a ventriloquist act. This person has been reduced to a prop that only speaks the words given to them, and only makes controlled movements… or else.
. Watching from the sidelines as this happens to a loved one is pure torture. It’s like watching a demon pick apart the threads of someone’s very soul and throw them one by one into the fire until there is nothing left but a faint spark that lives inside an otherwise empty shell. A confused, defeated, bulldozed, deflated, hurting and often very angry empty shell.
. The grief that comes with being on the outside of this is very similar to the grief that is felt after the loss of a loved one. The waves come in heavy and hard at times. The hole in your heart is palpable and irreparable. The stages of grief are all there. It’s still a loss. It still counts. It hurts because there is nothing you can do about it. There is no going back. It’s check-mate… the narc has taken you down and shoved you right off the chess board. You are now the bad guy in someone else’s reality. Like paint on a canvas the narcissist creates a picture… one stroke at a time, little by little. Each stroke of the brush is a tiny lie, twisted words, subtle untrue reminders of why you are no good. It can take years to fabricate this masterpiece of destruction, but once it’s done… the narcissist will step aside and present your loved one with it. This is now how your loved one sees you. The picture that someone with a sick and twisted mind has painted for them. This is their new truth.
Being the person in one of those “paintings” is an extremely painful experience.
. Any efforts made to talk things out with your loved one are met with silence, or are shut down by the narc. The narcissist’s goal in any relationship is 100% control. Sometimes they need to isolate their victim to fully gain this control, especially when family or friends have caught wind of the abuse and are trying to help their friend see the light and break free. Anyone who sees the hideous truth behind the Narc’s pretty mask is considered a threat, and must go.
. They put up such a thick wall of delusion that it feels impossible to get through to your loved one.
The only hope is that they will find the strength to really see the truth of the situation someday.
If you think you may be in a relationship like this, I would encourage you to seek more information and counseling about narcissistic personality disorder. Chances are, you have loved ones on the sidelines who are deeply grieving, and who would give anything for you to see the truth and find yourself again.
