THE CHILD’S PLAY SERIES

Every Child’s Play movie kinda sucks. They really do. But some suck less than others, and most are even fun to watch. I’m gonna go through each movie and just kinda freewheel about them. Bear with me and thank you for reading my bull shit (god bless):

Child’s Play (1988). AKA “Big Boy Big Toy: The Toyman Lives!”

This right here is most certainly my shit. A dark, grimy movie with a despair filled atmosphere that they cannot seem to capture anymore. You have a crazed occult worshiping murderer get glocked in the first ten minutes and then he puts his soul in a toy. From there some child that can’t act gets him and there’s about five minutes of “Is he crazy or is the toy alive” before Chucky starts biting Mom. Mom starts going after Chucky and then Cop saves her from delinquents and starts helping. It’s a really fun movie and I would recommend you watch this one and then avoid the rest if you need to.

Child’s Play 2 (1990). AKA “Big Toy Bigger Boy: They Toyman Lives Again!”

OOf now Child’s Play 2 kind of sucks. Capitalist greed revives Chucky and he is already back on his shit. He finds out that Andy is in foster care and Karen is in a mental hospital. Andy is given to probably the most aggravating family in the entire series (who I was very happy to see murdered), and Chucky needs to go and put his soul into him. The end of this movie has the coolest scenes in the entire series I think. The chase through the Good Guy doll factory is great. Chucky is pretty much tortured to death.

Child’s Play 3 (1991). AKA “*Incoherent Shouting and sobbing*”

This piece of shit is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to Chucky movies. Absolute fucking garbage. Capatalist Greed once again revives Chucky and he is once again on his shit. Andy is now a teen (and even worse actor) and has been sent to military school. It takes what feels like hours for Chucky to start killing people and the rest of the movie is dumb army shit. His kills are tired and dumb, nothing really cool at all. I think (has been a few weeks since I have watched, will not watch again) he kills like, four or five people tops? Chucky is thrown into a giant fan in an amusement park ride and he is Dead Forever This time.

Bride of Chucky (1998). AKA “Toyman Returns!”

If Child’s Play 3 is the bottom of the barrel, Bride of Chucky is the mealy shit soil under it. It’s not only the worst Child’s Play movie, but absolutely one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Chucky’s girlfriend stitches him back together after a decade, giving Chucky a “new look” As his old look was a product of the late 80s/early 90s, this new look is much a product of late 90s/early 00s. Straight from the deepest bowels of Hot Topic, Chucky emerges with a stitched up, evil face. His wisecracking ways are pumped up by 20, and he murders his girlfriend and puts her soul in a doll, who then also runs through Hot Topic real quick. Something about an amulet is brought up, and then John Ritter (god rest his soul) gets murdered. The dolls fuck. I don’t know, it took me a full week to watch. Bad bad bad and you should never watch it.

Seed of Chucky (2004). AKA “Toyman X feat David Bowie”

SPEAKING OF BAD: Here’s another shitty movie! The movie begins with us seeing Chucky’s cum: an omen. Then it cuts to an androgynous British doll that was so obviously based off of David Bowie he deserved a film credit. The kid doll is being used as a puppet and pisses all the time. I’m trying really hard to write out things that happened but I am so disinterested in talking about this movie. Anyway it’s unfunny and is confusingly meta and nowhere near as awful as Bride of Chucky, but still not at all worth your time. Fuck talking about this shit.

Curse of Chucky (2013). AKA “This gimmick is not and has never been funny. Sorry.”

Now this… This is a good movie. A direct to DVD straight horror movie. You can tell the budget didn’t really allow much in the way of animatronics. Chucky doesn’t do much and they needed a CGI CHUCKY to walk down some stairs. To compensate, you have Brad Dourif (the voice of chucky) doing some acting in a long flashback sequence that is actually kinda cool and ties the story together. The new chucky looked more menacing and actually sort of unnerving. Pretty good movie and would recommend you watch if you are insane like me and have watched the rest.

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