I could no longer focus on the legal cases I had displayed on my laptop screen for my research that I have been working on since a few hours ago. My apartment windows (which were in the form of glass sliding doors) were ajar and the floral sheer curtains were swept to the sides, the room receiving the chilly midnight breeze from outside. I turned my head towards the windows, seeing a familiar view — the windows of the apartment building across mine. I noticed one of the rooms was dimly lit, and I instantly knew whose room it was without having to squint my eyes due to the sense of familiarity I have gained from years of experience — locating his apartment room was an easy task.
Suddenly my research wasn’t the main focus of the night anymore. I saved my work and shut down my laptop, closing it not long after. Feeling like the midnight breeze is tempting me to go outside, I walked over to my fridge and grabbed a can of raspberry vodka I have been saving since God knows when, just in case I wanted to be all sappy and mellow at night on my apartment balcony.
With the vodka in hand, I stepped outside and stared blankly at the moon as the wind blew the baby hairs that were sticking out of my messy bun. I opened the box of cigarettes I had inside my pants’ left pocket, pulled out a piece and lit it up. I tapped the tip of my cigarette to the ashtray, getting rid of the residues. My mind was not in best state; my head was as messy as a laundry bag that hasn’t been taken out to clear for a whole month — everything was jumbled up messily in one place, one unfinished matter gets stacked by another one. I sat down on the one chair I have on my balcony and took out my phone from the right pocket so I could sit comfortably. Being put on airplane mode for the past few hours, notifications that were delayed of reception started bombarding my lock screen, mostly emails and LinkedIn notifications I couldn’t care less about.
The last text message that followed after the huge wave of spam notifications caught my eye and I held my breath. Despite the sense of familiarity of his presence in any form, be it virtually or physically, a shortened version of my government name displayed on the screen was never a good sign. He calls me with different pet names, which I have always found endearing, but I knew I should brace myself when I could sense the seriousness of his text message.
The text message reads,
“May, can we talk? Let me know if you’re not busy.”
It was my boyfriend, Joshua.
I opened the chatroom, informed him that I wasn’t busy and he was free to say whatever he wanted to say to me. After pressing send, I received a call from him the next second.
“Halo, May?”
“Kamu kemana aja? Kok chat aku enggak ada yang dibales sama kamu? Have you been doing okay? Kamu ngapain jam segini malah berdiri di balkon?”
I let out a small laugh and answered him,
“Hi, Josh. Iya, I’m okay, kok. Aku lagi enggak in my best state aja,”
I noticed the curtains from his rooms are starting to be swept to the side slowly, indicating that he got off his bed and wanted to walk out to the balcony like I did but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to talk if I see him straight in the eyes, even if it’s all the way from the building across me.
“It’s fine, sayang. Stay inside — Don’t move from where you are right now, aku enggak akan bisa ngomong kalo kamu ikutan keluar ke balkon.”
He was reluctant at first, but he agreed to do what I told him to. I heard the person at the other end of the line let out a big sigh, and I knew that telephone call was going to be the one keeping me awake tonight.
“Aku pacaran sama kamu udah bertahun-tahun, sayang. Aku udah hafal sama semua kebiasaan kamu. Lighting up a cigarette at nearly midnight is nowhere near from your definition of okay. Is what I said a few days ago the reason why you’re not in your best state?”
My mind quickly traveled back to the conversation we had a few days ago. Joshua took me out for lunch and talked about his plans in pursuing a master’s degree in the United States, which took me by surprise. I have been dating him since my last year of high school and coincidentally had the same dreams of pursuing our bachelor’s degree in the United Kingdom, hence why our relationship has been going on for more than 5 years because we decided to stay in the UK and was determined to bring our family members in Indonesia to the UK once we were settled. I completely understand that this matter was clearly nobody’s — not his definitely — fault because I knew that this dream of his has been embedded into his life timeline since our very first day as couple — as friends even — and he has brought up the topic more often than usual during our recent conversations. I knew a final decision was bound to happen anyways, sooner or later.
However, the sense of familiarity made me think I genuinely couldn’t bear the thought of having to do a long-distance relationship when I’ve been so used to having him around in my daily life, as a part of my daily routine. I looked inside and spotted two pairs of furry home slippers, one belonging to Joshua as he stays in my unit most of the time but I asked him after the dinner if it was okay for him to stay at his for a few days, in which he said yes to because I’m pretty sure he noticed how taken aback I was from the not-so-sudden master’s degree discussion. There were so many of his belongings at my place and I couldn’t imagine how empty it would feel if he really decides on leaving.
“Partially, not fully. Aku bingung harus bereaksi gimana, Josh. I do everything and go everywhere with you; I can’t imagine not being able to do it when you’re not around later on. Aku juga enggak mau jadi alasan kamu enggak bisa ngejar mimpi kamu sejak kecil; egois namanya kalo aku begitu.”
“Then come with me to the US, sayang. I’ll provide, I promise. Do you really think I could bear the thought of a long-distance relationship too? Enggak sama sekali, Maya. I have the same exact reasonings like you do. But I’m afraid I won’t get any more opportunities like this in the future if I let go of this one; and I thought you were okay with it because you never said anything while I was doing all my LPDP preparations. You’ve been nothing but very supportive of me all this time.”
“I thought I was, Josh. And I am. I support, and always will, you wholeheartedly. But realization always comes late and nothing could be done if it’s too late, am I right?”
Joshua didn’t give me a firm, concrete answer but gave me a sigh in its place.
I continued,
“I’m happy that you got this opportunity, I really am. Tapi aku enggak bisa langsung ninggalin semuanya, Josh. Our leases are already paid until next year and I have a job. It would be a huge change for both me and you if I were to go with you to the US, and I’m genuinely afraid of it. There are so many what-ifs that follows along; one of it being what if I don’t get a job and cannot help pitch in for our apartment lease? You know damn well how expensive apartments in the US are. Kamu ada solusi buat itu?”
Silence was his response. After a while, he finally spoke up,
“Sorry. Aku minta maaf banget.”
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and asked him what the apology was for.
“Sorry because I still can’t promise you anything as for now because I don’t know what the future holds for both of us. Aku belom bisa janji gimana kedepannya karena belom kejadian, sayang. Tapi aku percaya, when there is a will there is a way. And what’s meant for us, will be. With all the hardships that we have endured in the past, I know we’ll find a way and survive.”
“I appreciate the comforting solution but sheer reassurance isn’t what I need right now, Josh. Masih banyak hal lain yang harus dipikirin kalo emang semisalnya aku beneran ikut kamu ke US. Solusi yang kamu kasih belom cukup kuat untuk aku jadiin alasan buat aku ikut pindah sama kamu. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.”
I could see Joshua’s hands combing through his hair in frustration from his silhouette after hearing my answer. I knew we weren’t going to reach middle ground from our discussion tonight. He was, again, silenced with my response so I continued.
“It’s late. I have to continue doing my research. We’ll talk about this another time, ya, sayang. Is it okay with you if we end this conversation here? I can see you’re tired from work today as well.”
He sighed and answered, “Okay. Let’s talk about this when both heads are clear and both hearts are ready. But until then, I hope you don’t leave my messages on delivered like this time. Just talk like how we always do, ya?”
I let out a small laugh and said, “Can’t promise you anything. Aku matiin, ya, telfonnya?”
“Okay. Good night, sayang. I love you, always.”
“I love you too, Josh. Sleep tight.”
I closed the call and pushed in the chair I sat on under the table. I stubbed out the cig on the ashtray, went inside, and proceeded to close the windows along with the curtains. I lied — I didn’t even touch my laptop after going in. I went straight to bed and tears started flowing down my cheeks as I closed my eyes and dozed off.
