Perfect Sounds Disgusting

I bet you’re worrying a little too much…

This is for those of you who try far too hard to be somebody that you simply are not. The laddish struts and ‘masculine’ winks; the ridiculously thick layer of make up ; the Koi Carp sleeves and tribal bands; the self-loathing for not boasting an impossible physique, for the fake tans, false eye lashes and laughable pouts — just be yourself for fucks sake…even if for a moment.

Because who wants perfection? Truthfully? Perfection is boring as shiiiiit. Perfect is predictable and I find nothing worse than watching a movie and knowing exactly how it will end before it’s even begun.

Just accept the fact that you are a pain in the arse, you probably snore, your shit definitely stinks, you are invariably selfish and more often than not; you’re probably a little bit boring as well. We all have our flaws, but do you know what? Despite it all, we’re not all that fuckin’ bad, really.

I mean, just imagine the ‘perfect’ partner? Can you picture being in a relationship with somebody that doesn’t even fart? How painful would that be?! They just roll out of bed in the morning with such a profound eloquence, no bags or nuffin’, just pure beauty and a morning breath of fresh air. To keep that creature keen you’d have to be on top form every single fuckin’ day! How exhausting would that be?! How could you ever, possibly relax? Noooooope.

Oh and speaking of farts, I’m going to share with you something that a previous associate once said to me which absolutely blew my mind. He said to me: “Jack, women shouldn’t fart. PERIOD. If I’m seeing a woman and she farts in front of me it’s an instant game changer.” — And I know what you’re thinking; what a twat right?

But I must say, I felt sorry for the guy. Shit, don’t get me wrong, he was handsome, well-built and evidently desirable to women. He was financially shrewd, driven and dedicated; an all-round winner and yet a complete and utter bell-end at the same time.

I mean, come on..really? Do people actually expect every woman to be a walking piece of art? A shard of perfection, designed to look wondrous on their arms, absent the right to pass even the faintest fluff? - But by all means, if ever you feel the need to shit yourself then you can just go right ahead! Please, allow us to wallow amidst the fumes of your pig-ignorance, if you’d be so gracious.

And the sad thing is that if we were stood side-by-side, based merely on aesthetic appeal the large majority of women would likely chose him over me. (unless you’re not into Asian men) And that’s not me boo-hoo’ing by the way. I’m a good looking dude and I have a beautiful girlfriend, but this guy is carved out of Onyx — it’s crazy! Only the difference is that he’s a bit of a cunt underneath all of the solid, sexy and shiny grooves. Pick your nose in front of this dude and you’ll be back scrolling through Tinder before you know it!

The thing is though, I couldn’t help thinking how grateful I was for not being him, harbouring such a backward and limiting view of the way things are or should be. It’s so short-sighted and brutish. And if ever he does find this perfect woman, I certainly wouldn’t envy her. Her bowels will be backed up with so much unwanted gas that if ever you were to strike a match in her vicinity she’d fuckin’ shoot off back to Venus where she came from.

It’s quite laughable, but you realise that we’re all guilty of trying to find the ‘perfect partner’, when we ourselves are inherently flawed. Like really, really, REALLY flawed. Get over yourself mate, there’s not a single person reading this post that doesn’t piss in the shower.