How To Handle Unrequited Love
And become a stronger and better version of yourself.
Unrequited Love Is Love That Is Not Reciprocated
They say that the hardest thing is to know the one you love, loves someone else.
It sounds so romantic, isn’t it? To love someone with all your heart and soul, whether or not they love back. Hollywood and Bollywood movies glorify such a hero or heroine, making their act a supreme example of self-sacrifice and eternal love. The actors love throughout their lives and die happily ever after.
But the reality is far different. Unfortunately, life is not a Nicholas Sparks movie; love is not always reciprocated, and it does not always end in a happily ever after. The pain of loving somebody who does not reciprocate your back can be unbearable.
At the minimum, it can spin your life out of control and can just feel devastating because love is not something you can force upon yourself; it just happens. And when things pan out badly, it leaves you in an incredibly vulnerable position with nowhere to go.
So how do you deal with it?
My simple answer; just self-isolate yourself.
Coming to My Story………
I still remember that date;14th Oct 1985. That evening found me sprawled across the bed, sobbing my heart out. I had spent that entire afternoon hanging out with her, talking sweet nothings and finally opening my deepest thoughts to her, hoping desperately that she will accept it and reveal similar thoughts to me.
Unfortunately, it did not end like that. She loved someone else. I was a good friend but nothing beyond it. So, I spent the night alone, crying, and wrestling with the heartbreak of being rejected by someone who likes me but not the way I want her to.
I was in my late twenties at that point. I was naïve, inexperienced, and immature in the matters of love. I had no idea how to face this situation. My mind was blocked beyond repair and I just did not know what to do when the only dream of my life has been crushed before my very eyes. Therefore, I just did the first thing that came to my mind.
I left my job (a new one at that time). I left farewell notes to my family and friends. I bundled some savings to survive and boarded the first train to an isolated, picturesque town in Northeast India.
I had always wanted to go there and the heartbreak provided me a perfect opportunity to isolate myself from everything (including her) in my life. This stint of self-isolation helped me learn many things that made the hurt bearable and enabled me to have meaningful, healthier relationships with the people I loved going forward.
And here are some ways in which self-isolation made me a stronger and better version of myself.
It Allows You to Grieve in Peace
In our culture, we do not give space to grieve in peace. We tend to say either “Go get them, try harder, your love will win out eventually!” or “Stop being pathetic and get over it.” The pressure of “appearing” stronger eventually breaks you from inside. And this is not a healthy way to go about it.
The first step to forgetting your heartbreak is to accept it and grieve as much as you can, giving vent to all your emotions. It is OK to feel grief, anger, denial, and all the other things a person might feel after rejection. Your feelings about the person you love are real, and the hopes you had about the person were also real. Do not be in denial mode and suppress it.
Yes, you will initially feel lonely, bad, and ashamed about yourself. You will start asking yourself painful questions, like what does this person, whom you love so much, see in you to make them want to avoid you. You demean yourself; I am a pig; I am a sloth. That is why I am not lovable.
That is perfectly OK. Isolation provides you the environment to vent out your grief so that you can start the process of healing. The sooner you are willing to let go, the less ache you will feel, and eventually you will move on to better things in life.
It Gives You the Distance
Gustave Flaubert has rightly said.
“Only three things are infinite: the sky in its stars, the sea in its drops of water, and the heart in its tears.”
And the heart will continue to cry if you are near her all the time. Yes, while I agree that every relationship is different and every person is different, it makes sense to put an extra distance between you and her while you work on healing from the loss.
Self-isolation provides you the perfect environment to cut talking to her, avoid checking her old text messages, or even avoiding your common friends by asking for information about her.
This distance provides you the much-needed respite to focus on other relationships in life. You can cut out that emotional labour and use it to indulge in hobbies close to your heart. You can read a book, start writing something.
You can do something for the society that makes the world a better place to live in. The options are endless and self-isolation provides you with an open mind to evaluate possibilities beyond the grief.
Yes, you can still be friends with her and friends need to help each other. But it is important to have a clear distinction between friendship and love to avoid getting sucked in the quagmire of grief again. Sometimes it is best to isolate yourself and start afresh.
Finally, Self-Isolation Helps You to Close the Loop
In the song “Chasing Pavements,” Adele captures the never-ending search for closure beautifully.
“I build myself up and fly around in circles; Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle; Finally, could this be it? Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?”
A closure can be harsh. In fact, you have two options. One way is to self-isolate yourself and investigate the reasons, accept the outcome and close the chapter. The second way is to avoid closure and let life go on.
The second way is like the “ostrich” hiding its head in the sand and assuming nobody is seeing it. It will put you in the “forever unhappy” mode throughout your life. It is always a better idea to confront your demons, seek closure and move on.
Look for the faintest of clues you might not have noticed, or ignored at the time. What led to the end? What was the argument about in your last conversation? Were there any problematic issues that you pushed under the carpet and which resurfaced again?
Look from both sides and play the devil’s advocate. Aim for clarity and deduce and arrive at the most reasonable explanation. This explanation will finally close this painful episode for you finally.
Remember every relationship is a mishmash of mistakes, corrections, breakups, and reunions. As you gain deeper clarity about the problems in your relationship, you will understand the dynamics in a much better, enhanced way and this will help you to forge better, stronger and healthier relationships in the future.
A healthy relationship is all about keeping the doors and windows wide open. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If the person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world, will not make them leave. Trust the truth.
As Thich Nhat Hanh has rightly said.
“Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
About Govind
Govind is a retired corporate executive spending all his leisure time writing and reading just about anything under the sun from leadership, management to ancient history. He loves talking about topics like leadership and management that are close to his heart and writing his heart out for the world to listen and learn from him (more precisely his mistakes). He can be reached at govind.narasimhan@yahoo.com
