december isn’t even close by; it’s only the middle of june when i spent days to forget you even for just an hour. the thought of seeing your name on my notification still lingers in my head — the thought of you made me rethink every person that wanted to love me, truly and without any doubt.
it’s not even winter yet i feel this cold without you around to warm me up. the illusion of us cuddling while it rained made me smile for a while, it reminded me of how much i wanted to be held by you in which you never wanted to do so. your presence still lingers when i ask for something warm.
the thought of you was enough to send a shiver down my spine. i didn’t like to be held, to be touched and to be so close with people that i just met; i’m willing to make an exemption if you called and asked me to come over and hold you in my arms — we could stay just like that for hours if you just called.
you were comfortable of being held yet, not by me. comfortability doesn’t scale how much you liked me — you just liked me and never wanted to be with me, i understood your reason for a while. maybe i was just too fragile to take that much pain from someone that i really wanted around.
the pain you gave couldn’t amount to the pain that my mother gave when she abandoned me as a child; it felt like i was a child again waiting for my mother to finally come home, which she never did. she never came back, not without the news of our family falling apart.
my mother and you had something in common — that is you made me feel so much warmth that i didn’t noticed you were getting colder, just as a thin blanket that i expected to warm me up but failed to do so. i expected so much from you and it was my mistake to do so.
what you gave was a bare minimum for you, it was never a bare minimum for someone who is treated badly by people including her family. your ‘bare minimum’ was enough to distract me that you were interested but not to the point that you would pursue me.
writing this made me think of you all over again. realizing that i want to forget you yet, i want to be remembered by you; i want to be remembered not because of how much i like you but because i didn’t want a new girl going through the same situation as i am right now. i fear that she wouldn’t be able to take the weight of my pain right now.
i wish she would never spend hours praying for someone to come and make her forget about you; no one did with me. i wish that she is stronger than i am and i wish she is willing to wait for someone who can’t even decide if they wanted you in their life for, just as much as you wanted them to be in yours.
i never wanted to forget you as much as i want to remember you. i still catch myself telling my friends to check up on you which are the messages that i never sent; in fear that they might say something that i didn’t want to hear — that is you moving forward without me.
wanting to forget you was wanting to remember you all along.
winter is not even possible in our country — so as forgetting you. it’s just in the middle of june and i’m not even close in figuring out on how to forget you even for just an hour.
