Introducing Grace
So, you’re probably here because you’ve heard the news about my new identity.
I’m not sure what your specific experience of this news is, but I suspect that it’s probably been a bit of a ‘wow’ moment! 😳 Maybe you aren’t quite sure what to make of it; what it means exactly. You may have concerns or fears about it . . . you may even find the news confronting.
Don’t worry. I am the same person you have known and (I hope) appreciated. It’s just that I am now able to be more fully me and you’ll appreciate me even more! 😛 I hope you’ll find this is just a natural evolution, where I can share more of who I am.
While this has been a multi-year journey for me, to get to this point, I recognise that it’s all very new to you. So, I’ve put this post together to provide you with an opportunity to get to know me as Grace, in your own time and space. This way, you can experience whatever reactions you may have in privacy, without worrying about knowing the ‘right’ thing to say, or having the ‘right’ response… all those concerns that you might have if I was right there with you, sharing the news.
My hope is that this approach gives you time to make sense of it and come to an understanding of what it means to you, before we next meet on Zoom, or in the real world.
So, without further ado, meet Grace…
I’m sure you have questions…
As I’ve progressed on my gender journey, and had conversations with friends and family, there have been some common themes that have emerged. I thought a FAQ would be a good way to answer some of the immediate questions you may have… as well as the questions you may not feel comfortable asking me directly, but might be wondering all the same.
I’m writing this for a wide variety of folks, both from my personal and professional world. It’s on the long-ish end of the spectrum, and runs the potential of being ‘too much information’ for some folks who are perhaps not as close to me as others (I sign-post some of these a bit later on). I apologise in advance if you find any of the following inappropriate, given the depth of our relationship and connection.
Of course, I’m more than open to continue the conversation, but hopefully this will get us off to a good start. 😊 Please let me know if there are any other specific questions you think should be answered here…
So, you’re a transgender woman. What does that mean?
NPR’s Guide to Understanding Gender Identity and Pronouns describes transgender as:
Transgender, or simply trans, is an adjective used to describe someone whose gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth.
What this means for me is that I identify (and choose to live in the world) as a woman, even though I was assigned the male gender at birth.
(Gender identity is complex, and everyone’s experience and expression is different. That said, I think NPR’s guide is a good place to start if you want to get a sense of the different, wide, varied and nuanced gender identities — including non-binary identities, and the difference between the ideas of sexual orientation, gender, identity and expression.)
What should I call you? What are your pronouns?
My name is Grace. My pronouns are she/her.
So, if you’re referring to me in the third person, it’s “she” or “her”. e.g. “You’d better check in with Grace to see what she thinks. Her perspective might be useful on this one…” That extends the other gendered language you might use — Aunty, Godmother, etc.
While it’s rare, you may sometimes meet me when my outward appearance is more masculine. Quite often this is due to practical necessity, and is NOT a reflection of me identifying any differently. I’ve had some folks ask me what my preference is in these moments? I am still (and always) Grace — so please refer to me as such.
You may also be used to referring to me by other gendered language, like “dude”, “man”, or in some cases “mate”, or “buddy.” A simple rule of thumb here is that I appreciate you using references that are aligned with how you interact with the other women in your world. So, if you commonly refer to other female friends using this sort of language, that’s all good! But otherwise, please be mindful of these male-oriented references, as I do find them challenging, especially in situations where the context or intent isn’t so obvious or safe (like at a cafe or in mixed company).
(FTR, my full name is Grace Clare Young. My family name remains the same, but I’ve also adopted my Mum’s middle name, Clare. Yes, this is my legal name. And in case you’re wondering, ‘Grace Notes’ is just the name of this blog—I couldn’t resist the double entendre of ‘notes = blog posts’ and the musical reference. 😏🎵)
What if I get your name or pronouns wrong?
Among my friends and acquaintances, this is definitely one of the most common questions. Often followed quickly by “If I do get it wrong, please forgive me. Know that I’m good with it all, but it takes a bit of getting used to.”
To which I say “Of course!”
I get it… it’s hard to switch, and can be a bit confusing. It can take a while to get used to. It’s a bit of a mind bender, especially when you’ve known me for many years (as some of you have) and suddenly it’s all different.
If you are genuine in your acceptance of my choice and are trying, that will go a long, long way. And I promise to live up to my name in those moments… 😊 All I can ask is that you try your best. It won’t take long until the slips don’t happen anymore.
And if it keeps happening, I’ll gently call it out and let you know if I’m offended. And if anyone’s an ass about it (I know you won’t be amongst that group) I’ll call that out, too… perhaps not so gently! 😝
What does this mean for our past experience?
I am very proud of my past experiences. (Well, mostly! Of course we all have some things we’d do differently if we had our time over again.) I’m not walking away or discounting or disowning any of the joyous, deep relationships and experiences that make up my ‘past life.’
In so many ways I remain the same person I was — just a happier, lighter, more contented ‘me.’ A version of me that feels like she’s in the right body.
I still love my boutique brews, making and listening to music, the digital world, mountain biking, CrossFit... But there’s a whole other part of me that I can express, now. Many little things that weren’t ‘ok’ when I was male, can now come out. When we next catch up, I reckon you’ll notice the difference, not just the outside, but on the inside too. And I know that will enrich our relationship, not take anything away… (My experiences with friends since starting to come out back up this last statement 100%!)
So, how should you refer to me in relation to our past experiences (when I was living in the world as a male)? That’s a tough one, isn’t it!? While in those experiences I identified differently and by my old name, I ask that you refer to me as Grace. “Remember when we did that riding trip to Mount Buller with Grace, Mark and Pete?” “I remember when Grace was a kid, and she played bass at that jazz festival up at Mooloolaba beach…”
I’ve thought about it a lot. Both ways to refer to my past self are a bit strange. But I am Grace now, and I am the same person that lived those experiences, so it’s weirder to refer to me by a name no longer reflects who I am, rather than the alternative. i.e. It’s less weird this way! 🙃
And as a friend noted to me — Grace has always been here, even when she wasn’t fully expressed. So, that’s a fitting way to acknowledge that, I reckon.
Why the change? How long have you known?
There have been many times in my life where ‘being a bloke’ has not felt right for me. Thinking back over my childhood, teenage-hood, uni, then adult life, I can see many points where I was trying something ‘different,’ but that I didn’t have the courage to take further.
While growing up, the very concept of being trans wasn’t something I had any experience with, or visibility of. What little I did know was shaped by dreadful, and very unhelpful, representations in the media. No-one in my community was trans, that I was aware of anyway. There was no-one openly modelling this as an option. Heck, there were only a few people in my sphere that were outside a white-Anglo heteronormative mould in any way.
Later in life, I became aware of trans-ness in a much deeper and more nuanced way. Over time, I recognised this as a potential pathway for myself. In exploring being trans as a possibility, I discovered that presenting as a woman made sense of so many feelings I’ve had over the years — it just fit…
I distinctly recall sitting down at Circular Quay, enjoying a cocktail and light meal for the first time dressed as Grace, and just feeling complete, at ease — euphoric! That was the moment when I really knew… I felt it so deep down, in a way that couldn’t be denied.
And over time that feeling has just snowballed, and gotten stronger and stronger.
What about your work?
The team at my workplace, Wattwatchers, have been absolutely wonderful and supportive of my transition. Knowing the people in my team, I didn’t expect a negative response coming into the process, but I’ve been blown away by the depth of support I’ve received—more than I could have ever hoped for. Yet another reason to love my job!!
Just one example is this post by our CEO, Gavin Dietz, announcing the change to customers and partners, and the wider Wattwatchers community: Welcoming Grace Young to Wattwatchers. I can say unequivocally that the team at Wattwatchers are living up to what Gavin shares in that post.
I, and other members of the team, have received so many warm comments via email and on Linked In from folks in the Wattwatchers’ workscape—the whole experience has been overwhelmingly positive and heartening…
Ok… here’s where we get a bit more personal…
As I noted above, this post aims to support questions from a variety of folks across my personal and professional spheres. The next few questions are a bit more personal in nature. Of course, feel free to continue reading if you’re interested or think there may be something that you have been wondering answered below. I just wanted to sign-post these in case you prefer not to go there, in which case you may want to skip to the next section…
Does your partner know? Is she ok with it?
My partner, Juliette, has been absolutely with me all along the journey — encouraging me to fully explore my feelings, regardless of where they led.
I’ve always had absolute confidence in her support of me on the path. She is totally across where I’m at, and we remain deeply committed in partnership together.
She is a blessing, and I am forever grateful for her unwavering support as I have come to this fuller understanding of who I am.
Does this mean you’re gay?
Given that I identify as a woman, and have a female partner, I suppose it does! But probably not in the sense that you were thinking… 😏 (If you were thinking that at all…) And just to reiterate, I remain in a committed relationship (and remain attracted to) my female partner.
Couldn’t this just be…?
A fetish. A fad. Cross-dressing. A part-time thing. Bi-gender/non-binary. OCD. A trauma response. A mental illness. <insert any number of potentials you might be thinking here>
Anyone that knows me well will attest I think deeply, and think a lot. I certainly don’t make decisions lightly in general, let alone something of this magnitude!
So, I can tell you with a great degree of confidence that I’ve dug into all of these (and plenty more) along my journey. I’ve asked a hundred questions and explored these with my loved ones and my counsellors, in my personal journaling, in my personal meditations and reflection time.
Through all this it is very clear to me what this is. And I’m sure it’s not any of those other things.
But you are creative! You could wear makeup and no-one would care… Why such a radical change?
One thing I share with trans musician Laura Jane Grace (who has been an inspiration to me in my journey) is that I had a fondness for the glam of ‘hair rock bands’ in my youth. (You know the ones: Bon Jovi, Poison, Europe, Motley Crüe, Guns n’ Roses… showing my age and dagginess there!) And there are of course many other examples, The Cure, Culture Club and so many other bands in the New Romantic music/fashion movement. I always wanted to be like those artists when I was growing up. So, since an early age I was exposed to a lot of variance in gender presentation, within the music world at least. (Much less so in my professional sphere, it’s fair to say…)
Early in my explorations I wondered if I would be happy just being more androgynous in how I presented (I’ve always admired Brian Molko’s vibe and style, for example), or just dressing differently. But I have come to understand that this is something that runs much deeper for me.
How I feel is not just a visual, outward expression thing. Being trans is not something you just ‘put on’ by ‘dressing up.’ It is a clear sense that my physical form just isn’t right—that the spirit that inhabits this body is not male, but female.
And so, it’s not just about taking on a particular style or just dressing differently—thus my decision to shift my whole identity and live as a woman.
Have you still got/will you be changing your bits? You know… what’s going on down below?
This is obviously a very personal question, and not one I’m going to answer directly. Depending on your relationship with me, I may choose to discuss this with you. But that’s up to me to decide. (So, if you were thinking of asking this question of me—or someone else for that matter—you may want to reconsider… 🤨)
Suffice to say, the state of a person’s genitalia does not have a bearing on how they identify in the world, nor their right to be recognised as such.
I am comfortable disclosing that I am undertaking Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and have been doing so for some months now. This medical transition practice is already making changes in my body in a variety of different ways, and my body will continue to develop and adapt over the next 2–3 years in response to this treatment.
Are there any books, movies or articles you’d recommend to learn more?
This list may expand over time. In my experience it is hard to find good mainstream representations of transgender narratives.
One movie I can definitely recommend is the Netflix documentary Disclosure (not to be confused with the Michael Douglas/Demi Moore movie of the same name from the 90s!). It helped me to understand a lot of the pre-conceived notions I had around trans-ness based on the long history of (mis)representation of trans people in popular culture — movies and TV, in particular.
Early in my journey, I found myself asking lots of questions that can be traced to the tropes promoted in the media — around mental illness, sexual ‘deviance,’ violence, and more. You may have some of these questions floating around too. This movie may help uncover the source of those, and provide a different perspective.
I mentioned Laura Jane Grace earlier. Her book, Tranny, is also great. While my trans journey is wildly different to Laura’s in many ways, I appreciated the candid exploration of her journey. As a musician who musically grew up in a similar era, I found it a cracking good read in and of itself!
While not without its flaws, the Australian Story episode featuring Cate McGregor is worth a spin. As an older transitioner myself, I am inspired by her courage, especially given the context in which she transitioned (as a senior Army leader). Again, my experience of transition is very different to Cate’s, but I think any example that breaks down the typical ‘stereotypes’ of trans-ness is worth sharing.
Lastly, an article I have found really helpful in unpacking the question of ‘trans-ness’ is The Null HypotheCis by Natalie Reed. It addresses the question of how one can be ‘sure’ they are trans. It’s not a light read, but worth the effort, in my view, if you want to unpack some of those questions. As my intellectual self wrestles with what is deeply a felt experience, this article was tremendously helpful in coming to acceptance and embracing how I feel.
[Update: 1 Aug 2022] A few months back a friend of mine recommended All About Yves. I read it cover to cover over a few nights, and found myself nodding vociferously over and over again. While Yves landed in quite a different place on the trans spectrum, there were so many aspects to their experience that resonated deeply with my own. I thoroughly recommend reading this book if you’d like to learn more about the lived experience of transitioning and some of the challenges and joys the process entails. Not only is the book resonant to me, it’s incredibly well written IMO. Five stars! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Thank you for joining me on this journey, and taking the time to check all of this out. I hope it was helpful in answering some of your questions, and wasn’t too confronting or overly personal.
I’m looking forward to seeing you soon, in this new light, and sharing a lighter, happier, more contented me.
Until then, take care and stay safe.
Peace, light and love,
Grace 🌈 🌸
P.S. I‘m deeply grateful to Sean Brokenshire and Meredith Schofield, who apart from being wonderfully supportive in general, have gone above and beyond to put together the video above.
Also—the music in the video is from one of my past bands, Fuzu. If you dig it, search “Fuzu Where I Begin” on your favourite streaming service to listen to the full track.
