The Toilet Papers #1: The Ugli Truth

There are few things worse than giving up a night of sleep to go study at the library for that one exam, but being forced to “go” in the first floor Ugli bathroom punishes the human soul far worse than any exam ever could. Not only does it consistently lack ventilation, meaning there is a tinge of fart hanging in the humid air at all times, but only in the rarest occasions will you not find a line of poor girls waiting for “relief.” In the dead of night there will be no line, but at the peak times of library occupation, it can get as long as the line for Costco hotdog samples. The lighting can only be described as an affront to humanity with its bleak and somehow stinky presence. I literally feel weighed down by an oppressive aura — the ghost of poops past — but nevertheless I continue because it is the only bathroom on the first floor of the library.

Here are some lovely memories of my experiences in that bathroom:

  • There are no hooks on the door so I held my heavy winter coat on my lap while taking a dump.
  • Hand dryers have the strength of a mid-sized dog panting on my hand.
  • Noticed a new pimple in that horrible lighting.
  • Asked the stall next to me for toilet paper and got shanked.

Every time I exit the stall after a hardcore pee-sesh, I instantly remember that the faucets are the kind that need to be pushed. The water either dribbles weakly or is expelled with the force of explosive diarrhea. Either way, when I get my grubby mitts under the faucet the water stops and I have to press the button again and boom same thing happens. This goes on for about ten seconds until I give up and leave the bathroom with only semi-washed hands.

Sorry guys but this isn’t even my fault! Honestly, I think this is the reason why I haven’t been sick for years…

For some reason, there is a tiny waiting room preceding the actual bathroom. It’s carpeted and there’s an old cloth armchair that probably contains the farts of thousands of women. I guess since there’s a bulletin board in there you can learn more about how to get more involved in..the library…

I would never want to go back to the Undergraduate Library bathroom because of its audacious lack of hygiene, ventilation, and the basic amenities that a standard bathroom that sees this much traffic should have. Shameless.

Out of ten, the first floor Ugli bathroom gets two toilet paper squares. I’ve always wanted to rant about the various bathrooms, with the Ugli bathroom being quite high on the list. Catch you next time on the next issue of The Toilet Papers.

Haems out.


I just went to the bathroom and I think they renovated it during the summer or something because it’s way better than before! The hand dryer is actually adequate and the faucets aren’t the push-kind anymore and the lighting is not stinky! I’ll change my rating to five TP squares. Here are some pics.

That coat hook probably collapsed under the weight of some poor student’s backpack…