I feel like I’ve been getting pretty vulnerable on this blog here — 48/100

And part of the reason is I’m running out of things to say. I guess I’m running of socially normal and accepted topics and thoughts. I’m sure there’s more of those in my head somewhere but sometimes when I write, and especially when I’m trying to meet a quota, I simply write. I don’t have time to ponder and think and fear and doubt. I have to… reach… 500… words…

It’s interesting. It’s interesting to me how comfortable I’ve become. I mean, I should be, right? Since this is my blog. But it was still so much easier to say what I normally say, to say what’s expected and appropriate. Well, it was so much easier back then. And now, it’s just easier to be me.

It’s easier to live without a filter. Who would have thought, right? That expressing myself without holding back would feel like… freedom.

There’s one thing I want in this life. And it’s connected to many other things, other things that are just as important at different moments of my life. But right now, there’s one thing I want for myself.

Integrity.

Damn, that’s beautiful. That sounds like freedom to me. That sounds like a life well-lived. A life that is true, honest, transparent, and genuine. It smells like tough — and pivotal — choices and self-awareness. It smells good because it’s a bullshit-free zone. Always.

And that’s where I want to live.

Life is interesting. The more I live, the more I’m drawn to integrity. I’m beginning to think that without it, there’s nothing. There’s only smoke and mirrors and then unquenchable thirst for what’s real, what’s good, what’s true.

And it’s such a prize because it’s damn hard to live, to cultivate. It’s so much work, so much looking in the mirror, coming to terms with all the scars and ugliness, or what we think is ugly. It’s so much reckoning, breaking down what never was, the fortresses built on sand.

You’d think it’s easy — yet we hold onto so many things that were never meant to be held onto. You’d think it’s easy to get real with ourselves. You’d think we’d want to.

I find that hasn’t been the case in my lifetime thus far. I find that people would rather stick with what they know, that they’d rather not know what they don’t know. I find most people would rather look good than be good. I find there’s a lot more bullshit than truth, in the way we act, the way we treat others, the way we expect to be treated, the way we believe, think, and live.

I suppose, though, that makes it a worthy cause, something worth respecting and fighting for, given its rarity. Not sure I used that word correctly. Anyway.

To be one person inside and outside, with yourself and with others — that is one of the sexiest traits a person can carry. It doesn’t matter what the person is, believes, wants, acts like, does. It’s the purity of the heart, mind, and soul behind everything. It’s the truth of the person being expressed in wholeness.

Sometimes it’s in vulnerability. Sometimes we quake in our own skin fighting the urge to retreat, yet cannot but move forward. It’s not about fearlessness — we fear and still we do the unthinkable. That’s why it seems like fearlessness. It’s those who have the greatest fear that have true capacity to have integrity. It’s they who know the value and burden of it.

It’s they who choose to move beyond the box that can ever make a difference. They move beyond it not to create another box. They move beyond to open the world to another universe — the universe within. They allow the world to experience the glory, magnificence, beauty, and power of the human soul and heart. Whatever the world has to say about it is irrelevant to the act of pursuing her greatest Good.

Life calls for integrity. Not everyone answers.

I want to answer. I am answering. Because I’m okay without the mask, I’m okay without feeling safe, I’m okay with inviting others into my dark places. Wow that sounds extremely dramatic. But it’s true. I’d rather live connected with myself than connected with others.

So, basically, in terms of my writing, I’d like to continue going where the universe within is leading me. I’m sure there will be more times when I want to hold back but the challenge is always welcome and will always be taken seriously. I think it’s worth it. Because who am I without it?


Originally published at gracejyk.com on June 20, 2017.

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