Not Jesus, just me
There is a human being in my life I'm struggling with. I don't really respect her life decisions and ideology. I know a lot of her story and that she comes from a broken background, and yet, I'm unable to embrace and accept her. The way she dismisses my opinion, which she asked for, the way she's not open-minded, the way she continues down the same rut of thinking and doesn't really reflect on how it manifests in real life. Just everything.
I'm working on keeping my mouth shut but gatdamn. I just want to distance myself from her.
This whole week, I've been struggling - just straight struggling with my dislike for her. I feel like nothing she says is really valid. Her idea of leadership, of work ethic, of life, of romantic relationships, of ANYTHING. Which is why I feel emboldened, empowered, and justified to say what I feel unhindered.
And the worst part is that I come back to my room, reflecting on the bad taste in my mouth, and then hate MYSELF for being such a hardass and an insensitive bitch. Why must I struggle so??
I tried to let it go, tried to analyze it away, tried to understand that I don't know where she's coming from, that her life experiences are different from mine, that it's unfair for me to judge her from my platform. And I fail - every fucking time.
I tried to rationalize it away, the way I tell her to rationalize her problems away. But then that's hypocritical, right? Because I'm telling her to do something I'm not capable of doing myself. And that, to me, is ultimate lame-ness. If you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, just shut thy mouth. I say that to myself. I need to, because I've been thinking it toward her this whole time.
If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's inconsistency of belief and practice. I cannot. I just cannot.
And then it dawned on me. The answer. It wasn't rationalization. It wasn't trying to be some sort of guru or mentor, even if she was asking for advice or opinion. It wasn't having the right answers, or even delivering them the right way, which I failed at completely anyway. It wasn't trying to be compassionate, understanding, empathetic.
It was understanding that I cannot please everyone. That I don't have to get along with everyone. That it's okay that there's someone on this planet that brings out not the best and greatest* in me. Up to this point, I could say there isn't anyone I don't like, and if there was, I could easily walk away emotionally detached and generally happy (not at their misfortune, struggles, etc. but just for myself).
Well, I've met someone who really showed me myself, who really humbled me. I thought I could get along with everyone and their mom. But that's not true. And I don't have to. I realize I'm not Jesus and, damn, what a relief haha. I don't have to get along with her, I don't have to be the best version of myself with the whole damn world all the damn time. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
Hahaha. Dude. It feels good. It feels really good. Better than finding the answer of how to solve our differences and reconcile our experiences. I guess, ironically, this is the answer to solving our differences and reconciling our experiences. I've yet to test out this realization, so we'll see what it’ll look like in real life. But I feel much better, happier, freer already. It makes sense and I accept it.
*I choose not to say "bring out the worst in me" because I'm not the judge of what my worst is; that's a rabbit hole I choose not to judge myself by. But I do know what my best would look like for me, what I want it to look like, and so I'll judge myself against that standard.