The Panic of Growing Older
The panic
of growing older
spreads fluttering wings
from year to year
At twenty
stilled by hope
of gigantic success
time and exploration
At thirty
a sudden throb of
pain. Laboratory tests
have nothing to show
Legs cribbed
in domesticity allow
no sudden leaps
At the moon now
Copybook bisected
with red ink
and failures –
nothing to show the world
Three children perhaps
the world expects
it of you. No
specialist’s effort there.
But science gives hope
of twice three score
and ten. Hope
is not a grain of sand.
Inner satisfaction
dwindles in sharp
blades of expectation
from now on the world has you
- Lenrie Peters
This was a poem that was analysed in my secondary school literature class and although I understood it from an academic viewpoint then, I never really connected to the depth of feeling that must have led to its creation. A few years later, much to my dismay, every word that makes up the poem feels like it was taken from my thoughts - like I had opened up my mind and given Lenrie Peters the gift of my unspoken fears. It is my fervent hope that articulating these fears would help me get them out of the way. So, here goes nothing;
THE PANIC OF GROWING OLDER.
You are panicking. When asked why, you are unable to say. You lie that you’re experiencing neural overload but you know the truth, and its simple - you think the world is leaving you behind. You will be 19 in two months yet you still haven’t figured out which direction to take with your life.
You remember how you used to claim with all the conviction in the world that peer pressure could never get to you. Now you watch your own friends and jealousy creeps into you. They all seem to be moving up a level in the game called life while you’re stuck in one spot, unable to move on with them. They do things without you now and it hurts you to your marrows, but you are a strong girl so, you stifle the pain and tell them how happy you are for them. And in truth, you are happy for them. What saddens you is your inability to measure up.
You load up Instagram, swipe left, swipe right, and you take on a green tint. It appears everyone has it all figured out - even those who are way younger than you are.
You open up that bird app, you see seventeen - year- old girls wearing wigs that you'd have to pawn your organs to afford, and wonder if you are accursed or just lazy.
You go back to Whatsapp - the only place where you are comfortable, but right there on someone's status is video coverage of them launching a business and that's when you spiral.
You recede into a darkness inside you that you never knew existed. You act uninterested, you say mean things to your friends, you wallow in the pain, and begin to hate the world, but not half as much as you hate yourself. Perhaps this is the sacrifice for the fulfillment of your fantasies.
Once upon a time, the culmination of your dreams was to become an adult. In your childhood, you fantasized about your "distant" adult life. Little did you know how close those "distant" years were.
Now you'd give anything to be a child again, to revisit those glorious years when age protected you from the brunt of your cares. You have begun to recognize the truth in 2022's trending song that declared adulthood a scam. You cannot help agreeing with the musician who wrote that song.
If you could go back in time, you'd find your ten year old self and tell her not to ever grow up. You'd tell her to stay protected by childhood's bubble of naivete. You'd shake her violently and pull her ears until she got the message. But it's too late now - you've fallen right into the inevitable trap so expertly set by life. Puberty has happened to you - bringing short-lived joy but ultimately leaving you comparing your body to the next female's.
You now worry about money. Poverty has made you a master economist. You now plan your expenditure a week before you spend it. You worry about friends. You worry about family. You worry about your grades. You worry about the world. Your romantic life is in shambles.
It is indeed safe to say, YOU ARE AN ADULT NOW!
