“Travel but don’t be annoying about it” and 29 other things I learned before 30.
As I approached my milestone 30th Birthday, a Birthday that I’ve simultaneously dreaded and dressed with a certain “white trash grandeur” of forged pageantry and a likely barf, I’m forced to examine everything. Like how we think we know what the future holds and then a week later we’re shopping at Freschco with a surgical mask on, Coachella is cancelled (*putting my Bindi mix n’ match face jewels away for another year*), and puzzles got cool. The idea that we’re all just specks of hand-sanitized dust precariously floating around this sphere of rock, water, and Pizza Pizzas, without any control, is one that bubbles to the surface. So does the idea that time is precious and what the fuck are we doing if we’re not out there doing what we like and what we’re good at?
Wait…what am I good at?
I’ve spent the better part of my 20’s trying to figure out what I want, plotting get-rich-quick schemes, and being panged with waves of anxiety that I’m not farther ahead. Turning 30, which I acknowledge to any white-haired real adult probably still seems young, does carry the promised air of reflection, “life is short”, and is it too late to learn French and enter Quebec’s star system because let’s face it: the pique production quality is that of OMNI.1 on a Sunday morning and mediocracy whilst twirling a baton could just be my thing.
Turning 30 feels like the bridge to “middle age”, officially leaving youth and the 20’s behind to some crop-top wearing, selfie-taking, gaggle of lip injections who don’t remember burning CDs, free popcorn from Jumbo Video, or life offline. Turning 30 is the gateway to legitimate adulthood where toothpaste stained hoodies and unpaid taxes lose their charm, where summers meld together, and responsibility calls even the “cool Uncle” into taking a job he hates to pay off his Dodge Charger and bank cash for the creative project we openly doubt will materialize.
As my mind goes to this dark place, I self-soothe by googling “celebrities that made it later in life” and uncover that Oprah once admitted to smoking crack. I remind myself to stop being annoying. We’re all on our own path. As long as we’re occasionally doing the hard thing, trying not to suck, and are chipping away at something that aligns with where we want to be, I think (I hope) it’s going to be okay.
In setting myself up for this new decade, I am trying to frame it like this: We spent our first 30 years in school trying not to accidentally call the teacher “Mom”, and acquiring a taste for red wine and blue cheese. We’ve done the lap on the merry go-round of knowing who we are, losing who we are — during our alcohol-fuelled years of karaoke and bad haircuts — and then retrieving our identity again. Moving forward, we’re finally playing with a full deck and with a benchmark level of knowledge that lets us occasionally pass as “interesting” when the right people and the right lighting collide. We’ve graduated into “life on our own terms”.
Looking ahead, I want to first look backwards and round-up the things I’ve learned during the highs and lows of my first 30. I anticipate that as I forge into lesser known territory, I may need this as a reminder. So, here it goes.
30 Things I Learned Before 30
- Travel but don’t be annoying about it. I get it, we’re so over the van-living, wanderlusting, fire dancing, blog-writing, country-counting, drone footage capturing travellers. The good news: this isn’t what travelling is really about. Travelling is exposure, shaping your point-of-view, trying new things, learning how little you know, getting in and out of trouble, and ensuring you don’t die a racist in the town of 1,200 you grew up in.
2. Get drunk with friends. Listen, getting drunk isn’t always the right choice or the best choice, and it’s certainly not the everyday choice. With that being said, some of the most fun, liberating, and relationship fast-tracking times result from being ridiculous, uninhibited and belting out Celine Dion. Warning: sometimes the opposite can (and will) be true. Drinking too much, too often, is not a cute look, so bank it and spend it where it counts.
3. Listen to your gut(ty). We’re all just monkeys that wear pants. Although we think we know everything and deduce logically to make decisions, oftentimes the answer lies within the primitive gut check — even when we don’t want it to be true. If your gut tells you one thing and you justify it away, you’ll probably end up taking the long way home.
4. You’re not that important. There are few shameful, embarrassing actions you can take to imprint more than a temporary “ha ha” (*Nelson’s voice from the Simpsons*, duh) in someone else’s consciousness. When you act cringey or say something stupid, know that this person is probably daydreaming about a tuna melt or replaying their own stupid behaviour. You’re not the centre of it all so dwell less and get away with more.
5. Say what you mean. Somewhere along the way, we lose our ability to be honest. Kids will tell you you’re a fat blob and Grandmas will tell you that your green hair makes you look like a creepy troll. After age 7 and before 60, we censor ourselves for a variety of reasons: we want a job, we want to be liked, we want the path of least resistance, etc. All of this is fine and warranted and is necessary. But when someone asks for your opinion or you have the chance to correct something, take a load off and cut the shit.
6. Don’t buy it because it’s on sale. Even at the time of this writing, I can’t fully stash this in the ‘lesson learned’ category. An “open box” karaoke machine, a DVD set of ‘Little People Big World”, blue MAC lipstick from the ‘Trolls” collection, a $1 seat on a Megabus travelling at 37 km/hr to the earth’s core — it’s gotta stop. Just because something is 99% off, the cheap thrill isn’t worth the eventual guilt of throwing it out.
7. Accept that you’re ugly. There will be a time, at one point or many points, where you will feel ugly. For instance, when your hair goes through puberty (before the advent of the straightening iron), you develop cystic acne, or when you spend two years waking up to a full sandwich lodged between braces brackets in your mouth. Unfortunately, there’s no real antidote to feeling (or temporarily being) ugly. However, developing a personality is long-lasting and will stick with you. Also, the braces are worth it.
8. Life is meant to be fun. Your job sucks, your apartment is a rat hotel, you’ve gained a quiet 12 lbs and your pants don’t zip, so what? Shittiness is temporary, losing streaks will one day be funny, Instagram influencers get face impetigo, it’s all good. If things aren’t going your way, hang in, switch it up, try something new, get drunk with friends (see Lesson # 2), embarrass yourself, feel alive.
9. Get dumped. You’ll listen to Emo music, you’ll probably get bangs, and you may even create a Facebook group called “Meh, I was the better looking one anyways” and invite your entire high school to it. Getting dumped will humble the shit out of you and make you feel like a total loser, which is where good stories often begin.
10. Your parents are people. Although we have a tendency to turn into whiney brat narcissists around our parents, occasionally, we have to reel it in and lower the creep factor. How would you treat your best friend? How would you want to be celebrated? Have you done anything lately to repay the eternal debt of your Mom throwing away her youth, independence, and own ambitions to listen to you complain about neck pain from your computer job? There’s a good chance you are your parent’s favourite person, so reciprocate.
11. Be generous. Generosity doesn’t have to mean tipping 20% on takeout beers or bringing the best gift to the party (although, this is recommended). Generosity means sharing whatever you bring to the table and to the people around you. Finding the best flights, editing out words like ‘synergy’ from friend’s cover letters, bartering with trolls on Kijiji — whatever you’re good at, offer it up. You never know when you’ll need to bury a body.
12. Get some exercise. Let me get this straight: I hate sports. I hate visors, clipboards, whistles, Livestrong bracelets, and gym grunts. I scored on my own net in house-league soccer *after* I had boobs. The unfortunate truth is that exercise really does ease the mind and alleviate the guilt of binge eating and drinking. Set the bar low and force yourself out of the house — you won’t hate it once it’s over.
13. Take risks. Crack the joke that may be offensive, tell someone who sucks that…they suck. Do the hard thing, do the scary thing, juggle too many things at once, move somewhere, hit ‘send’. Taking a risk won’t always pay off, but it just might. Risk-taking is liberating and regardless of outcome it’ll make you alive.
14. Get it over with. When agreeing to something terrible, like the “Frozen” themed baby shower or the comedy show at a former strip club in Brantford, you’ll come to learn that these dates do, unfortunately, roll around. So, when you’ve got the choice to deal with something right away, get it over with and then treat yourself to an A&W Teen burger.
15. Cancel wisely. Being late and unreliable means handing off a shit-talking script, starring you, to the recipients of your flakiness. Don’t cancel on things because you feel like a nap, it’s raining, or you remember you’ve banked two new episodes of Real Housewives of New York (sup, LuAnn). However, when you do cancel on a friend or acquaintance, don’t feel too bad. There’s a strong chance they also wanted to bail and you’ve given them a free pass.
16. No one knows what they’re doing. People that know what they’re doing are just better at confidently faking it or have faked it so long, it’s less of a lie. Successful leaders, celebrities, or people that are in positions you wish to be in, are just people. Demystifying success and understanding that it’s only supported by a certain level of production is a good reminder when putting yourself out there.
17. Get the dog. Puppy postpartum is real. Immediately after getting a puppy you’ll mourn your old life. You’ll fantasize about the nights you’d spend never coming home, the life you could have led as a cruise ship entertainer, the walks you’d take without clutching a shit veiled in plastic. However, once you settle in, you’ll discover how much happiness, companionship, and songs there are to compose about the greatest fish-breathed pal you’ll ever kiss on the lips.
18. Drink good wine. If you’re making your own wine, who hurt you? If you’re buying boxed wine and are afraid to speak out, please send me a DM with the code word “grape$” and I’ll know to offer help. A good bottle of wine is not synonymous with price. There are many good, drinkable bottles for under $10. Also, check the goddamn sugar content on the bottles you’re buying — ”tasting sweet” is not necessarily reflected in g/L. Your headache will thank me.
19. Stop getting sunburned. I’ve longed for any skin tone besides the Prince Charles, glow in the dark, marshmallow, sun rash, 50 shades of pale. From indoor tanning to rubbing myself with streaky orange potions that smells like burnt hair and cinnamon buns, my skin has been used and abused. Preventing further leathering by chugging water, wearing built-in SPF products, and slapping on sunscreen like our Mom’s said all along, is the only recourse. Here’s to preserving a pedestrian “moderately sun damaged lewk” for years to come!
20. Don’t wait for the Oprah “aha” moment. Stop waiting to get fired, dumped, have an epiphany, hit rock bottom, or to have the quarter-life “eat, pray, love” gap year. Holding out for some interjection from the Universe is probably just a Hollywood excuse. Change doesn’t have to be a 180, 360 or even 98 degrees (yes, this is a Nick Lachey reference), but chipping away at something regularly will eventually offer up a pivot. Keep at it.
21. Talk about the dead person. There’s an idea that we shouldn’t talk about someone that has died to their loved one, or to ‘not bring it up unless they do’. While this may be what some people want, this isn’t my experience (albeit, limited). If the death is recent, this is all that person is thinking about anyways. Acknowledging the ‘person who has passed’ or offering up a funny story is the empathetic, in-tune thing to do.
22. Your opinion is right. Okay, you’re opinion isn’t holy, but if you feel a certain way about something, a comment rubbed you the wrong way, or you get a bad (or good) vibe from someone, you’re right. You don’t need to justify it or try to talk yourself out of your initial reaction. Also, your opinion is just as valid as the next guy’s, so let it in and let it out without putting too much on it.
23. You’re in charge. Without admitting that I once owned copies (that is a plural) of The Secret (book and DVD), I do think that you, your thoughts, your projections for the future, and your cultivated sorcery, shapes your future. Identifying what you want and approaching it confidently, whether you know how it will play out or not, will never backfire. * No vision boards were created in the writing of this article. *
24. Build a foundation. No, I don’t mean a rich person foundation like “The Grace McClure fund for stand-up comedian orphans with bell’s palsy”. I mean, start to set yourself up in a way that’ll make it easier for your future self. Whether this is saving money, moving somewhere, going back to school, collecting cardboard, whatever — invest in yourself and lay some groundwork that will make things easier when people are afraid of your driving and your knees hurt.
25. Do something different. There are a bunch of dainty-jewelled, coiffed haired, Communications majors, wearing expensive perfume that you can compete with for the free lunch office job. There are also a bunch of truckers that know how to truck, writers that know how to write, and plumbers that know their shit. Chances are you’re not going to be the best ever at something that already exists. Carving your own path is scary, but it also seems like a road to somewhere (TBD).
26. Be funny. There are few higher currencies than humour. There is no faster way to end a fight, or diffuse/ infuse a situation, than with a well-timed fart. Kidding. Most people have the ability to be funny and there are many flavours. To be funny, you have to be willing to take a risk, to look stupid, to throw yourself under the bus, to know when you’re being ridiculous, and to add the right amount of your own spice blend. Note: some people are really fucking unfunny. If this is you, be good at laughing.
27. Not everyone needs to like you. There are people that eat mattresses. I’ve heard more than a dozen people attend Nickelback concerts. Someone is dying Trump’s hair (presumably with a straight-face). Not everyone is going to be your type, especially when you’re being your authentic self and that self is well…polarizing. The more you can stick to who you are, the more easily ‘your people’ will find you.
28. Don’t be an asshole (all of the time). There are a lot of flavours of asshole: talking about yourself too much, bragging, immediately tuning out when someone introduces themselves (guilty as charged), not making eye contact, making too much eye contact, making fun of someone who has a shit life, etc. Look, we’re all guilty of being an asshole from time to time. To never be an asshole means employing great self-censorship like a creepy debutant, which is again, an asshole move. Just try to sprinkle your asshole dustings wisely.
29. You can’t make everyone happy. Recognizing that this is a redundant piece of advice, we’ll cut to it. There are people who you aim to please more than others, and sometimes what you want to do isn’t going to jive with them or their long weekend plans. Weigh your decision, and ultimately do what you think is the right thing. Note: sometimes the right thing isn’t the fun thing and your Mom was right to be pissed.
30. Everything takes longer than you think. “When will you get here?”, “How much longer?”, “How many years can you live with a beaded curtain instead of a bathroom door?”. If you ask a man any of these questions, multiply their answer by two or three. Adding a buffer to a timeline is the only opportunity for glory, or to even get something in on time. Undershooting has no benefits and just annoys the people around you.
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Okay, we did it. A few years from now, this post will probably seem “cute” and may offer a self-indulgent smile at my own charming naïveté. It may also cast a light on ‘simpler times’, how little I knew, and how regrettable opening up that “Gravy Emporium— sample gravy’s from around the world” restaurant would turn out to be. Regardless, I wrote these “30 things” in earnest and it took longer than I thought (like two or three times).
