A Note for Scotland #3
Before writing this all down in a note, I remember thinking all of it while I was walking to the post office in my small town. Even though I’ve probably creeped people out a few times, I am someone who processes my thoughts by talking out loud. If something is really bothering me, I have to speak it or it absolutely wrecks me inside.
So as I was taking this walk, I was really trying to figure out what I wanted my next step to be. What did I want to do? But even more important to me, where did I want to go? I had begun to toy with the idea of maybe going back to Edinburgh if I could. I hated that I had left right when I was my happiest there.
I found myself questioning, though, my desire to always leave. When I had first arrived in Edinburgh, all I wanted to do was leave. I hated the weather, I was living in a not great place and I just wanted to be with my friends and family again. But after a year, I was in a place of wanting to leave my home, the place that I had so desired. I was struggling with the question of, “I wanted to leave last year and everything turned out great. Am I in that same position now?”
Here’s what I came up with:
I took a walk today at lunch and found myself thinking about wanting to leave now versus wanting to leave Edinburgh last year. What was the difference? Why did I always want to leave? Was I ever going to be content with whatever situation I was in? And also, I wanted to leave Edinburgh last year, but I didn’t and I ended up loving it. Would the same thing happen if I stayed here? I worry about my desire to always leave. I want so badly to be back in Edinburgh if I can, but is it just the same situation as last year?
Then it dawned on me that there is one major difference in me wanting to leave Edinburgh last year and me wanting to leave home this year. I wanted to leave Edinburgh out of fear and discomfort. This time, though, I want to leave out of a love for the place I want to go. I experienced so much there and I can’t shake this feeling that it wasn’t time for me to go yet. I want to leave so that I can discover what that is, not so that I can feel less challenged.