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Kylie and Friedrich — A Gothic Love Story (Part 1)

Adventures of Swag — Episode 5 — Kylie and Friedrich — A Love Story (Part 1)

For oceans of time, I have feasted upon your raven beauty. Kylie, you hacked, clawed, and slashed out of Season 1’s primordial ooze. At present, you reign as Kardashian queen. Your lust for power makes me weep.

By Season 10, I couldn’t contain my love — and rage. Kylie, in that moment, I knew that we are two wandering souls meant to seize everlasting love — and power.

Every moment apart, are we not tortured spirits? This wretched purgatory ends now. Kylie, you must know my blackened heart.

Kylie, the world is jealous of our exceptionalism. They don’t understand the risks we have taken — to be become what we are. Kylie, we choose to be free — we cannot be contained. The bones of our oppressors will crack. Their marrow — our sustenance. We’ll delight in their fatal conceits.

I Know You

For an eternity, I have gazed upon your heart. So many seasons passed. Enraptured, I hungered. My eyes — boiling within their sockets. My spine — every nerve dead yet aflame.

Will forging cross-promotional beauty lines quell the longing for familial love and acceptance? Kylie, I understand. Ours is a such lonely road. Without fear, we propel our ambitions into the very womb of Gaia herself.

“We spit in the eye of Death!”

Know Me

Kylie, I have spent so much time chained to my Samsung 65" 4K Ultra HD TV. It’s time — See Me now. My heart is an open vein. Feast upon it

Lips So Sweet

Kylie, your lips must not be contained. In Season 10 Episode 8, Khloe…she…mocked you?! I seethed with rage! I wanted to fashion a Papal Tiara from her rib cage. Yet, such gleeful violence serves no stratagem.

Khloe Mocks Kylie’s Lips

Your mouth — exquisitely pouty. Tell me your secret. Were you bitten by a Red Spitting Cobra? Such agony for the sake of beauty. I greatly admire your appetites for pain. A worthy sacrifice for your dark art.

Do not heed your jealous sisters. They want to regulate you…to contain your power. Kylie, they are not like you and I. Soon, we will be free of them.

Kylie, I must share a secret. My own lips are thin and colorless — most of the time. In that regard, I’ve ordered your Matte Liquid Lipstick & Up Liner!

Look, I’ve snapped a selfie! My lip makeover — what do you think? I’m quite a fabulous creature with a pouty mouth!

Endless Kardashian episodes, rapacious beauty cross-promotions — imitations empty and pale. These bright flames burn cold. Such artifice — I can endure no longer! Kylie, I must be with you.

There Can Be Only One

Your taste in boyfriends — disappointing. Will and Jada’s son, Jaden. He’s an interesting boy. I’ve known the Smith family for ages. One day, you may uncover their dark secret!

This Lucky Blue Smith gentlemen? He’s a bit of a dandy — does he like women? No judgements. Kylie, does Lucky taste salty, sweet, or umami? Spill!

I do not approve of Tyga — He is not worthy. You make love to him — he caresses his phone? Such insolence?! Perhaps, I’ll cleave his skull into a bone goblet.

By now, we know each other so well. Kylie, you must understand. I am your dark prince — you are my raven queen. Soon, these boys will mean nothing to you. Distant memories of childish playthings.

Continue to Part 2 — Hayek Sharpens His Woo Woo

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