The Gladwell 10K — Your Reward for Excellence
My books and cocktail party appearances weren’t paying the bills. To re-invigorate my brand, I needed something innovative, disruptive, and (naturally) unexpected. This is my founder’s story.
I HATE YOU, ARIANNA HUFFINGTON!!!
Nobody reads books anymore — not even me?! To avoid a craft service career, I needed to pivot my brand beyond cognitive prognostication — into product innovation. In truth, my Williamsburg brownstone doesn’t fund itself.
Over fifteen exhausting cocktail parties, I talked with key outliers like Ives, Clinton, God, Kanye, my parrot Blinkie, the sexy maid, and others. I wanted to harness the power of thinking — without thinking. From a patchwork of 230 book quotes , we strove to discover the nature of stickiness. When I mean stickiness, I mean money — that makes my mortgage.
The Science of Spurious Correlation
Throughout our brainstorm, we discovered autonomy, complexity, and a connection between effort and reward. We tirelessly sifted through data — deliberately and instinctively. What was the statistically significant outlier — the 10,000 hour principle.
“My principle holds that 10,000 hours of “deliberate practice” are needed to become a world-class expert.”
At roughly 35 years of age, the average person achieves 10,000 hours in their field. After this milestone, they buy lawn gear, and (abruptly) expire. This was the nascent trend I could monetize. I could smell the opportunity…hmm…lilies?!
Why not hang my 10,000 hour brand on a (potentially life threatening) lawn product — like a wood chipper? Together, they make quite a contagious suicide machine! In that moment, the Gladwell 10K Wood Chipper was born.
The 10K Experience
We overlook just how large a role we all play — and by ‘we’ I mean us — in determining who makes it and who doesn’t. For the masses…well..that is a huge untapped market — for my wood chipper.
When regular folks reach this 10K hour pinnacle, what’s an appropriate reward for THEIR tireless effort?
Obviously, the skill they strove to master has been obviated?! Without a sex tape, trust fund, or ivy league connects, where will these folks go — what will they do? We believe the 10K (wood chipper) is an appropriate substitute for the deliberate advantage of the meritocracy.
The 10K serves the consumer who rises before dawn three hundred sixty days a year — and fails to make her family rich. Rather than face an embarrassingly painful decline, these consumers get a quality (and expedient) experience. The results — folks are harvested (into the great unconscious) which makes room for GenZ jobseekers. Everyone wins.
Targeted Consumers
Our consumers are at the height of their middle-class discretionary income. A ski weekend (at Vale) may be unaffordable, they can afford a best-in-class wood chipper. A single trip to Home Depot will improve these people’s lives permanently — and, enrich the lives of others.
Engineered by Ives
Efficiency, expediency, and quality are crucial. Our consumers will savor their last moments with family, friends…and simply…the highest quality wood chipper ever made. Force touch blades, mobile app integration, auto-waste disposal — it’s a holistic experience you can feel.
Force Touch Blades
These force blades are gearless and pressure sensitive. They automatically slow — allowing the user to savor a bit of self-hatred before final moments of mindfulness. For 3.4 seconds, you can actually feel the chamfered titanium blades tearing the skin from your cheek bones. We believe this experience will make your heart sing.
2 Settings to Bliss
There are two grind settings for your remains — pig slop and fertilizer. By design, the 10K doesn’t overwhelm the user with choices. Either setting is enviro-friendly. Fertilize your yard or feed the pigs — pure simplicity.
Mobile App Integration
We partnered with Evite, Party City, and Uber to create the ultimate party planning, funeral wake, and waste disposal experience. Celebrate with loved ones pre-termination. Post festivities, Uber will transport your remains to the nearest pig farm. Our app anticipates every desire along the entire user journey.
If desired, the app’s bluetooth can remotely engage the 10K’s blades. Now, your (recently) estranged family members can reconnect (with you) through bluetooth.
10K Critics
Asked about 10K naysayers, Malcolm’s eyes became misty. You know, Nothing frustrates me more than someone who experiences something of mine and says, angrily, ‘I don’t buy it.’
To them I say, Try it! And, you’ll agree that my 10K has the power — to engage. For the right consumer, it’s the last product she will ever need.
Asked if the 10K was right for Malcolm, his face briefly darkened with weary annoyance…
After an awkward pause, Malcolm erupts with laughter, Ah, that’s a good one — I think I broke a rib?! Thanks for that. Friend, the answer to your question…is…no.
Brand Ambassadors
Who better to craft our brand feel than 10K consumers? When I first heard this story, I was verklempt. So emotionally resonate! Sadly, I have mixed feelings about pulled pork — plot spoiler.
Gladwell Testimonials
“Sesame Street succeeded because it learned how to make television sticky. My 10K Wood chipper makes people sticky”
“Achievement is talent plus preparation — for the wood chipper”
“In the act of tearing something apart, you lose its meaning.”
“There are exceptional people out there who are capable of starting epidemics. All you have to do is throw them in the wood chipper.”
Folks in the wood chipper — you really get a chance to look inside their heads?! Who cares whether they were persuaded — they’ve been recycled!
Epilogue
In 2017, the Gladwell 10K was a public-private sector smash. In 2025, the 10K became a mandatory purchase for all citizens (over 35) with family equity below a million dollars. Humanity’s population is smaller, happier, wealthier, and more productive. In that same year, Malcolm Gladwell (finally) won the Nobel Peace prize and the Malthus Award — simultaneously. Somewhere, Plato is smiling — our Republic is saved!
Writer’s Notes
Ever watched a wood chipper devour yard waste? Mesmerizing as a red spitting cobra!
I’m releasing this one early. In future iterations, I hope to better nail the voice of Gladwell. If I’m totally blowing it, let me know. I could use some perspective and criticism.
Coming up Next — The Last Paragraph
I’m excited to release my Asimov-Waking-Life mashup, the Last Paragraph. I hope to break new ground — not a graphic novel, not a short story, not a short movie, highly visual, animated, emotional, and surreal. Then, on to Kylie and Friedrich Episode 2. Will be fun and creative experimentation, for sure.
