Thriftin’ Ain’t Easy

Cocoa Cheetah
Aug 26, 2017 · 3 min read

Wear a helmet and maybe bring some wipes.

I’ve been thrift store shopping for a while now. I love it because aside from being poor, I’m also cheap. Which probably means that even if I had money I wouldn’t spend it in a regular store. I don’t believe in clogging up landfills with sustainable goods or clogging up closets with stuff I no longer want so I also donate. Plus, I’ve made some pretty decent thrift store conquest in the past. However, Iately I’ve noticed an unexpected consequence of thrifting. I have developed an almost rabid fear of old people. Yes, it’s a thing. It’s called gerontophobia and it’s perfectly reasonable under the circumstances.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Cheetah, with all the shit that’s going on in the country why would you want to dump on the elderly, right? But, I don’t! AND, I’m not afraid of all or even most of them. In the only quote I’ll ever borrow from scary Tangerine Don, “I’m sure some of them are nice people.” But when it comes to thrifting, they’re a little like mogwai — cute and fuzzy until they cross the threshold of a Goodwill and morph into geezlins who are adept at Zulu footed cane fighting and possess wicked cart driving skills. Trust me, I’ve got the involuntary tics and bruises to prove it. And let me clarify, it’s not the middle-aged boomers who’ll reduce you to eye darting and tremors, but that 75+ crowd. By seventy-five they’ve developed all of the defensive thrifting techniques that makes them so formidable and frankly, they don’t give a damn who gets hurt.

Think I’m kidding? Last month I innocently picked up a dusty Keurig from an equally dusty shelf and right away felt the sting of something against my temple. Looking down, I caught a glimpse of a partial denture skidding across the hard tile. “Ewww! Who would…” Repulsed, I dropped the Keurig back onto the shelf and rubbed at my injury when an lovely little silver haired woman whizzed past and almost simultaneously scooped up both the Keurig and the partial (fully morphed geezlins are very agile). At the end of the aisle, she spun the cart around with the adroitness of an outlaw spinning a six shooter and said in a voice far too strong for such a frail body, “Sometimes they pop out on their own, sometimes I make them!” Then, flashing a gapey grin she shifted into slow mode and shuffled her way off to the next victim.

Thrifting can be a jungle sometimes, and in case you’re wondering how to keep from going under?

DON’T look them in the eye, (There’s something going on there. I’m not sure what it is, just trust me). The ability to mildy hypnotize their victims may be among their powers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve overheard some “innocent” exclaiming to a sweet looking geezlin, “Aww…is there something I can help you with?” Those suckers always leave empty-handed.

DON’T retrieve something off of a high shelf for them. It’ll leave your cart unguarded and when you get home you’ll wonder what happened to your complete set of burnt orange 80’s Tupperware cups with the matching pitcher.

Think like a ninja, but DON’T act like one. Drop-kicking an eighty year old geezlin may possibly be understood while in the store, but could produce life altering consequences on the outside. They morph back to regular “old” when out of that rickety ambience. Thrifting must be a pacifist activity for the under 75 and just ’cause they look like you could take ’em, doesn’t make it so. They bring perfectly innocuous looking gadgetry with them that can be easily weaponized and no one checks them at the door. Just learn to be proactive and come prepared.

My last encounter with a geezlin was on a Silver Tuesday (yes, I’m that good). My default emergency circumstances education kicked in. I stopped, dropped and rolled under a desk, (that was in surprisingly good shape for just $12) grabbed a brown bag from out of my purse for hyperventillation purposes,(I recycle) and stabbed valiantly at the air underneath with my Epi-Pen. The geezlins stayed away and my computer sits on that same desk as I type this so don’t be discouraged. You too can get your thrift shopping on. Just be careful out there.

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Spotty wanderer of the jungle of life

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