Alcohol Fueled ramblings — Likely to offend or unsettle

Reccomended listening for this is Rob Candor — All I need is you. For full effect I reccomend listening on repeat while sobbing gently. It’s that kind of song.

So here I am, 2/3’s of the way through a bottle of Captain Morgans, alone on a saturday night. Stood up, yet again.

And for some reason, I am drawn to write.

I have no idea why I would turn to writing when I am sad. It’s not like it does me any emotional good. I don’t feel any better after I mentally vomit my lacklustre writing on a page. Nor does it reach any kind of audience. Hello exactly noone. How is your saturday night going?

My night has been a mix of excessive drinking, lying to my friends that I am ok and soulful action movies that make me cry. Seriously, am I the only person that teared up during John Wick? They killed his fucking dog. That was his one link to being able to grieve, to move on and they killed it without a thought. Makes me very emotional.

I got stood up tonight. For perfectly valid reasons. They always are perfectly valid reasons. Someone else needs taking care of, they are not over their ex etc. And that’s fine, I guess. I suppose people imagine that I am strong enough to live with it. And most of the time I am.

Fuck me but life sucks post-divorce.

here are my short opinions that have been sitting inside of me while I was too polite (read; sober) to put out.

  • Fuck vegans/vegetarians. Not all of them. Just the fuckers that want to tell me that I am a bad person. This was on Hack, where two self-righteous vegans decided that I am a bad person for eating meat. Fuck them. Apparently by eating meat I am supporting a bad industry. Well fuck you. I will eat whatever the fuck I want. Screw your judgemental attitude. I eat meat because it is fucking delicious. And for fucks sake, they are animals.
    One of the guests said that she went vegan because she had a special moment with a calf in a field somewhere. Whoop-de-fucking-do. I have seen a lamb slaughtered, and have eaten that lamb later on that day. Meat is meat. Perhaps the meat industry needs a reform to ensure that we are killing animals humanely, and if that causes prices to go up then I am all for that. But don’t tell me that I am a bad person because I eat meat.
  • Fuck Tinder/dating apps. Seriously, if you want to feel like shit about yourself, sign up for tinder as a man. There is very little else that will make you feel so much like crap about yourself. 
    Life as a man on tinder is a world of being shown explicitly “here are all of these amazing women. None of them want you. You are horrible and noone likes you”. I know that there are people who are getting dozens of tinder matches every week, but I am not one of those people. I don’t photograph well, and I have a lot of red flags. I am older, a father and divorced. Might as well resign myself to a lifetime of quiet drinking and sad masturbation.
  • Fuck women are lazy on Tinder. I get it, tinder is marketplace and women get to pick and choose. But god dammit, could you put 30 seconds effort into putting ANYTHING into your profile. I know that you will get 30 million matches by just having tits at all, but fucks sake. Even to just make us lonely fuckers feel a bit better, could you at least look like you give a fuck. Lets keep the illusion going that maybe we have a hope in hell of actually finding someone shall we? It’s that or weird internet pornography. And neither of us want that.
  • Fuck, why do action movies with soul seem so much deeper than romance movies? Seriously, the notebook was a giant pile of crap. It was sappy crappy from start to finish. There was no poignancy to the sadness, so it had no impact. I got more emotional watching John Wick and Hardcore Henry than I was that crap. 
    This is something that I don’t think women understand. Action tells a story, often more deep and emotional than words or tears. As a man, actions speak louder than words. I would rather express my love or grief or pain through actions than words, even given my tendancy to blather crap on medium. 
    To see John Wick so consumed in grief and pain that he can only express himself through violence is moving in a way that is hard to express. To see Eric Draven returned from the grave for vengeance and driven by a love so terrible makes me weep like a child. For Henry to be so betrayed by Estelle in the closing moment, only ably to express his grief and rage without words and his determination to survive is more beautiful that the unrealistic and foolish concepts of some twaddle like Titanic or Twilight. 
    I am more comfortable with using words to express myself that most men, but even so I am more comfortable expressing myself through deeds than words. And action movies are the perfect expression of this. The desire to protect, to get vengeance and to love so wholly that loss becomes absolute is amazing. To bookend scenes of amazing emotional depth with inner turmoil exquisitely expressed through violence is more meaningful than a movie full of nothing but teary proclamations of endless love and pointless grand gestures.
  • Toxic masculinity is a weird concept. The idea that somehow the way that men express themselves is somehow all terrible is pretty fucked up. I have done the reading, and perhaps as a terrible toxic male I just don’t get the arguments. 
    While I agree that too much aggression is a bad thing, a certain amount is necessary for progress. As in all things, moderation is necessary. Aggression creates leaders, which are necessary to avoid the fucking feeling circles that I occasionally see forming in offices.
    I had an ex co-worker that had been in her job for years. I joined the team at a time where lots of change was happening, and our procedures needed to be updated to meet with that. But in every meeting her response was always a defensive “ well we did this because of these conditions that we had in the past”. She had this intense emotional connection to the way we did things in the past, and felt this need to justify every decision she had made in the past at length. That made every meeting three times as long as it needed to be. We get it, move on. 
    Sometimes, we need a dispassionate attitude to things. Sometimes we need a leader that doesn’t give a fuck about feelings to get shit done.
  • Fuck you, political movements. Stop stealing my fucking phrases and making them have political implications that I don’t intend. I work with a large student body at a population, as well as academics and I want to be able to use the term ‘snowflakes’ without being associated with the fucking alt-right. I use the term to mean that every student or academic I talk to assumes that they are the only person that needs my help, and that their problems are completely different from every other persons and deserve immediate and unilateral attention. 
    God dammit USA, stop making every fucking thing into a political issue. I want to be able to be pissed off about stupid students assuming that their enquiry is so fucking important without also implying that I hate the gays or something. Not everything in the world is a two-dimension issue. Not everything is left-right. Most issues on the world are more complicated than that, and don’t fit neatly onto a simple axis you can understand. “Left good, right bad” or vice versa. If you think any interpretation of that, I am taking fair licence to assume that you are a fucking idiot. Grow up.
  • God dammit, will people just stop making up genders. I don’t mean this as an insult or anything. I just can’t keep up. I get that you are an individual and unique and all that crap, but am I allowed to just not give a crap? You do you, I don’t give a fuck. Isn’t that the real equality, where I am not required to give a flying fuck about how you self-identify. Am I able to self-identify as gender-Switzerland? I don’t honestly give two damn fucks if you are gay, straight, trans, intersex or whatever magical fucking term you want. Go do you. Leave me the fuck alone.
    For example, apparently one of my coworkers is gay. I never knew, because I never asked or cared about his sex life. Who he prefer to have sex with has so little relevance to my life that I just didn’t give a fuck. Isn’t that what you all wanted? Congratulations. Most of the populace doesn’t care who you want to fuck. The leftovers that get up in arms about your sex life are just an embarrassment to us all, and will die out eventually. You won. Go you. Fucking A.
  • Why is our society so obsessed with sex? I mean it feels good, but isn’t the emotional component so much more important? I don’t mean love, I mean the feeling that you are desired and needed by someone. Love is a crazy meta-concept, but desire is simple and uncomplicated. 
    For me, sex is about the mental concept. Working out what someone wants and giving it to them is so much more important than the mere physical pleasure you can get from the act of sticking one protuberance into an orifice. Hell, the most satisfying sexual experiences I have had didn’t involve me having an orgasm. 
    In the end, isn’t sex just about acceptance and need. Don’t we all just want to be needed and desire by someone else. If you need to get off by being pissed on or pretending to be a tree then go do that. We all have some gaping hole within our soul (for lack of a better term) that we want some other person to fill and make us feel ok for a little while. Don’t we all just want to feel complete for a little while? Whether this is just genetics driving us or some deeper need within our psyche that wants us to connect with another person. To be selected and needed by another person gives our fleeting existence meaning. So why the fuck do we care what the arrangement of that persons genitals is? Fuck me, right now as a straight male I would take the loving embrace of a guy to feel less alone. Can’t we just accept that our temporary existence makes things like gender and political alignment arbitrary?
  • Fuck me. Seriously. Maybe it is the booze or loneliness talking, but I just want to be held by someone. (This is the very drunk, super real portion of the writing that noone reads. yay for soliloquy. Not that anyone reads this anyway. You self-righteous fucks. You only read shit that agrees with you anyway. Oh, are you different? Are you super-open minded and read lots of different sources? Bullshit. You are convinced of your viewpoint, and anyone else is insane, right? That is normal. 
    Here is a crazy idea. Other people who disagree with you believe their viewpoints as much as you. Wow. Isn’t that funny? They arn’t just being obstinate, they just think differently to you. What a shock! That someone can look at the same world and come to a different conclusion. That might mean that your strongly held opinion might not be as absolute as you might believe. “But I listen to them, I just don’t agree” is what you say. For fucks sake. The differences between right and left, Conservative and progressive, open and closed are less than you might think. Often it comes down to definition. Stop thinking that your opponents are stupid. They can have a completely opposed viewpoint and still be correct. Outside of literal fact and mathematical logic you have no leg to stand on. Everything is just a construct of opinion. If someone decides that they hate the gays, that is no more valid that your inclusive mindset. Personally I think anything goes, but it’s all constructs. 
    Take it less seriously. The less seriously you take it, the more people will accept it. This is a marketing trick. We assume things proposed by humour more readily than logic. People are fundamentally stupid, but we love things that are funny. If we all just stop treating different sexualities as a special thing, it will become normal. This may annoy those that have staked their career on being different and special because of who they want to share their genitals with, but we just need to get there. An attitude of “who cares” is the most inclusive that we can be. I don’t give a fuck is the end goal of the gay rights movement. Stop being proud of your sexuality. You didn’t earn it. It just happened.

I really hope this goes viral. It won’t because noone reads this. But it would be nice if people could read this and decide to not give a fuck.