How to be Unique?

Things I now see in every online dating profile

  • Paddleboarding — When the hell did this become a thing? How did I miss this?
  • Looking for a partner in crime. Unless you want to spend our first date working out the details for how we can transport 4 tonnes of gold out of the mint, don’t say that. Or we could just skip the foreplay and rob a bottle shop.
  • Just looking for someone to travel with? — Is Tinder really where you should be then? Go to a travel convention and find someone holding a pamphlet for a place you want to go.
  • Instagram filters — The puppy face and the crown of yellow leaves. Does this make you fun and original? Are you expressing yourself?
  • Sapiosexual. Is this a thing? Because I guarantee that any girl who has this on their profile isn’t going to date a guy who lost his nose in a boating accident just because he can quote Descartes. This is just people trying to seem deeper and more complex than they actually are.
  • Also, why are 50% of womens profiles on Tinder empty? Should I assume that they are bots or just lazy. I time and effort into writing something hopefully clever and appealing, but apparently half of the women on Tinder think that a pretty picture of themselves is enough. And sadly it is.
  • Oh you love witty banter? EVERYONE DOES. That would be why Seinfeld had 9 seasons. And does this mean you only want banter, and never want to actually meet?
  • Poor spelling and grammar. This is more of an indictment of our school systems, but sweet merciful Gaben these people cannot write a complete sentence. 'gud' is not a word. A Tinder profile is 500 characters, and your phone highlights incorrect spelling and will replace them with the correct one if you let it. It is almost more effort to write as though you had a sharp blow to your head as a child, so why do it?
  • No, I am not intimidated by strong women who have their own businesses and don’t need a man in their life to be complete. The reason I swiped left is that you don’t come across as a strong confident woman. You come across as a boastful bitch who is a little bit too impressed with their own meagre success. If you neither need nor want a partner or validation, why are you on Tinder?
  • Really bad pictures, and pictures that are sideways. I get it, not everyone photographs well. I certainly don’t. I look like a 3 day old dead body having just the best time now that he has escaped the mausoleum. But you should really at least look at your photos. Show them to a friend, and if they say 'it’s not the best' then get them to take a good one. Don’t be embarrassed. There are 10 million people using Tinder each day, so it is normal.
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