Autism from the Inside Part 15 — Rigid Thinking
Rigid thinking is a form of cognitive inflexibility, which I believe is one of the more disabling traits of autism. This phenomena is the inability to mentally adapt to new demands or information, and is contradicted with the cognitive flexibility to consider different perspectives and opinions, and be able to adapt with more ease to changes.
Change is the key word and perhaps underlays autistic people’s need for routine and structure, for certainty, to know that they are safe. Considering psychological safety, everyone needs to know at some level that the situation we go into is safe, which implies an element of predictability. For autistic people this need is greatly heightened because our brains operate differently (perhaps because they have been re-wired as a result of trauma). There is a temporal element — executive dysfunction is prevalent in autistic people. Up to 80% of those with autism suffer from executive dysfunction, leading to difficulties managing time, and hence completing tasks. This makes what might be thought of as simple tasks very complicated or seemingly impossible.
I am a serial or process thinker, and my first degree was in robotics and automated systems. As a result of that training and way of thinking it is relatively easy for me to think of an organisation like a big automated process (removing the human elements for a moment), or clock. There are inputs, processes, production lines and outputs. If one steps outside of the production line it is relatively easy to design a clockwork system, reduce inefficiencies, subtly correct the minor timing and positioning elements, and then stand back, watch it operate and monitor the various aspects using real-time instrumentation.
The system one steps outside of is not just the organisation, but society, because the production processes extend outwards. Clearly one can not remove the human elements, or step outside of society. But that is the space autistic people exist in. The human elements are the social and emotional layers that introduce inconsistencies, errors, inaccuracies, flaws, unpredictable behaviours, noise, desires, motives, messiness, that to an autistic mind messes up the clockwork.
As an example of annoying unpredictability, last year I would write in my daily planner “Go into the pump library and do xyz”, then when I came home, underneath it I would write what actually happened “Walked in, was distracted by this person and taken to the canteen, the IT wasn’t working, we had a discussion about what needs to be done”. I then went home frustrated and exhausted and tried again the next day. “Come on Graham you can do this, you just need to walk in and repair x number of infusion devices”. The following day I walked in, there was no power, was distracted by this person, taken outside, had a cigarette and discussed the work that needed doing. Went home frustrated and exhausted. I’ll try harder tomorrow. “Come on Graham! Just walk in and log into a PC. That’s your goal for the day”. I walked in, the IT was down and a confidential patient report appeared on the printer. Ok, I’ll go and see if I can find the Caldicott Guardian. “Where has Graham gone?” .. he’s not performing as we expect him.
“The universe is conspiring against me .. I will try harder tomorrow”.
The harder I tried the worse it got, because my thoughts had locked into rigid thinking, and that showed in muscle tension that others could see. So that then created feedback loops with people I encountered. “Graham is not happy, Graham is anxious”. Someone even told me “Your anxiety is unfair on people around you”. That then made it worse, and someone said “Other people don’t have a problem”, “I’ve never experienced anything like this in my career [as a manager / occupational health consultant]”. Which made it worse, and I started questioning my self-worth.
The universe doesn’t conspire against autistic people. The unpredictability of situations and the lack of understanding about autism conspires against us. Imagine walking in to work and no-one can tell you which building or room to go to, then make assumptions about your work ethic.
After my autism diagnosis I received a detailed report (which I resisted the urge to proofread and correct), which contained this table at the end.
After an autism diagnosis there is no support. I have been given a document that tells me I have significant challenges, but nothing at all about how I can manage those challenges or proceed with my life. The “rituals, routines and resistance to change” is the real kick in the teeth for autistic people, because the world is constantly changing. My routine is “Get up, have breakfast, think about what to do, take anti-depressants, walk to the local Tesco to buy milk, try not to think about my mortality, go back home”. On bad days it’s “take anti-depressants, try not to think about suicidal thoughts, the relentless marching of time and the bad decisions I have made in life”.
Rigid thinking is not wonderful. In the past I have felt like a wind up toy, that has resulted in a Forrest Gump-like existence running through a mine-field waiving enthusiastically at everyone looking on in horror. The horror people see is me apparently blind to the social norms that make the clockwork machine so traumatic for autistic people. Now it has made me question my own free-will and recognise my own agency. I am going through the motions, putting the fishing rod in the sea with social media posts, in an attempt to raise awareness about autism, waiting for a fish to bite.
My rigid thinking has led me to go around in circles thinking about goal setting, and in circles on the themes of compassion, values and decision making. I have sat and read about behavioural activation and seen the irony in the fact I sat reading about it rather than doing it. I have thought about thinking and conclude that it’s over-rated (or undervalued). I would be interested to know if anyone has experience of how to train flexible thinking.
Since I am a stones throw from the Royal Berkshire Hospital I have immense difficulty letting that go. No amount of cord-cutting meditation or therapy can disconnect me from where I now live, so I still feel connected to the progress everyone is making. My hope is that someone will contact me and say “Hey Graham, we’ve got this work you could do”, “Would you like to join in our zoom meetings and contribute?”, “Would you like to be included?”, “We need this piece of work done”, “We need your problem solving abilities”, “We need your unique abilities”, “We value your input”, because as the report says I have significant difficulties initiating things. I am waiting for a spark of God, or humanity, so I can direct my thoughts to something constructive.
