My #MeToo Story

I decided to tell my story because I think many men have gone through similar events and do not speak up. The #MeToo movement is an important moment in history and needed to happen. Men needed to hear what women have had to go through. I would like to see the conversation expand., so I’m writing this. I am not trying to have a competition over who is worse, men vs women. Just bring some awareness that many might not be aware of.

On February 20, 2018, a judge granted me a one-year restraining order against my violent, abusive and gun-owning ex-girlfriend. She was and still is, working part-time in the box office at one of the major comedy clubs in LA. A club I’ve been a regular at for over 20 years. I had told the general manager at the club and an executive at the parent company that owns the club about her violent, abusive behavior and sent them the restraining order document. To this day they have not fired her. On June 2, 2018, I was scheduled to perform and the GM told me I

couldn’t come to the club because my ex-was working in the box office that night. I told the GM that is not how restraining orders work. The GM didn’t care. At the suggestion of a friend of mine with LAPD, I went to the Wilshire Police Department and filled out a police report, since my ex had violated the restraining order by accepting a shift when I was scheduled to perform. On June 4 the executive called me and told me I cannot perform at the club anymore. I explained that I have the restraining order against my ex and asked the executive whey they where protecting a domestic abuser. “California labor laws,” I was told. After my lawyer and I tried unsuccessfully to get them to fire my ex, I went back to court on October 15 to add the comedy club’s address to the TRO. The parent company sent a lawyer on behalf of my ex and also two employees came in support of her.

I’ve known the GM and exec. for 20 years and assumed they would protect one of their comics from an abusive part-time employee. How can an organization that makes its money from comedians not protect them from a violent part-time employee? If I was a female comic and this was a male employee would this happen? In fairness, I don’t think it’s exclusively gender bias. If I was famous and selling out all the clubs they might have protected me. But this is the same club that when a big name comic was banned from one of the other major clubs in LA for sexually harassing waitresses, the club that is protecting my ex welcomed him with open arms. “He puts butt’s in seats, Graham.” I was told by management. This seems to be their m/o, protect abusers. When will her threats be taken seriously? When she shoots me at the club, is that when people will believe me?

My ex and I dated for 2 1/2 years and in that time we had a loving relationship. As I do not drink she rarely did and told me on numerous occasions that she was glad I didn’t drink. The last month of our relationship she began drinking and abusing drugs. This made her a different person as she went from being loving to violent and abusive. One night in August of 2017 she became violent and charged me with fists clinched yelling, “Fuck you! I’ll kill you!” I got on my knees and covered my head. I knew I couldn’t do anything or I could get arrested and then labeled an abuser. Locked in my bedroom I wondered in fear. She is out of control, irrational and violent. Does she have a gun in the apartment? Will she break down the door and kill me? Will she attack me in the morning? In 2 1/2 years, I had never seen any behavior remotely close to this. I thought about letting it go because I’m a guy and “can handle it.” Until a friend of mine, who is 6’4” said his alcoholic ex-wife used to beat him and he felt he could “handle it” until he woke up in the ER in a coma because she had pushed him down a flight of stairs. “Hide the knives,” he told me and I did. Something that enraged my ex when she noticed. “What kind of psycho hides the knives?!!” She yelled at me. Another good friend, who is also a big guy said, a cop told him to get a restraining order against his violent girlfriend by getting in his face. “I’ve seen guys bigger than you with kitchen knives in their stomachs,” the cop said.

I was expecting some of my guy friends to judge me. “Man up,” or “it’s not that big of a deal. You can handle yourself.” Actually, the opposite happened. Numerous guys told me their stories of violent girlfriends and wives. All of them said they just had to take it because if they fought back then they would go to jail. “She was slamming my head against a wall,” said one guy. “Everyone in the ER laughed when I said my girlfriend kicked me in the face, “ said another. “When I found out about her cheating on me she went nuts and just kept beating me and there was nothing I could do,” said yet another male friend of mine. I also thought that if a female friend of mine said her boyfriend did exactly what my ex did, I would tell her to move him out and get a restraining order. Another long-time friend of mine who was a police detective told me numerous stories of women who have shot and stabbed boyfriends. “Abusers are very manipulative. She is probably getting everyone at the comedy club to side against you,” he told me. The next two nights I slept at a friends.

I called Peace Over Violence, one of the only domestic abuse centers in So Cal that helps men. I was told 20% of domestic abuse is women against men, but since men typically don’t report it they think the number is much higher. Men wait longer to report it and women escalate the violence with weapons more so it can become more lethal in a short amount of time. My ex grew up shooting guns and owned them. I was terrified. “If I wanted to hurt you I would have.” And “You deserved it,” she said in the days after the violence. After I got her out of my apartment she came back the next week to pick up some of her stuff. She showed up angry and was slamming doors and smashing things. I left my own apartment after she made fun of me for being abused as a child. Does telling my story make me look “weak” or “not a real man,” I debated in my head. All the stereotypes of manhood were flooding my brain. I’m a black belt that has studied numerous styles of martial arts for years. Part of my training is restraint and defusing violence. This goes against the American image of a man who “kicks ass.” I’ve had bad fights with girlfriends in the past and my older sisters but was never afraid of a woman until now. A gun owner threatening to kill me in a rage is something I’ve never experienced. The gender of the abuser is irrelevant. If a female friend had an ex-boyfriend that grew up shooting guns and threatened to kill her I would tell her to get a restraining order. So I did.

In the spring of 2017, I started having repressed memories come forward of being abused when I was 3 years old. When I shared with my girlfriend (now ex) about being abused she was a great, supportive and loving girlfriend. Numerous times she held me when I cried. That changed when she started drinking and doing drugs. “Repressed memories aren’t a thing, “ she said one night after drinking. The betrayal from her was devastating when she mocked me for being abused. “Ohh I was abused by a woman when I was a kid boo hoo,” she said. How could the woman that held me two months prior while I cried, now mock me for being abused when I was 3? The betrayal was crippling. So when she showed up at the comedy club mocking me in January 2018 after not working there for 4 months, I was terrified. Is she here to hurt me? Does she have a gun? Is she high?

Susan Jane Arnold was a grad student of my college professor father and a good friend to my mom. She was a proud feminist and outspoken lesbian, which was no small feat in the early 1970s in Wisconsin. One weekend, when my parents left myself, my older brother and two older sisters with her, she abused me. I was hit and sexually abused. This memory stayed dormant in my brain for over four decades.

As the memories grew stronger and more emotional, more events appeared in my memories like some inappropriate behavior from relatives when I was little. I was beginning to fill with shame, rage, depression and a sense of despair. It grew so much that I even wrote out a suicide note. I was spinning out of control when I told a good friend. He said I needed to get professional help immediately. After about a month of searching, I found a therapist that specializes in child trauma and uses EMDR and somatic therapy. This began in July of 2017. Which is also when my ex began drinking every day at her new job with a tech company and ending up at the comedy club drinking with people she told me were doing cocaine.

One in six men have had unwanted sexual contact by the time they are 18. 40% of their abusers are women. When I first heard this statistic I was blown away. But it makes sense. Men are less likely to speak up, especially if their abuser is female. Most people are not aware of this. I was aware of 1 in 4 women, but 1 in 6 men was way more than I had ever considered.

The hardest thing about being abused is standing up for yourself and getting your voice back. My ‘no’ was taken from me at age 3 and now I am getting it back. My voice was taken. Shame is learning to not speak. Men don’t speak up and often suffer if they do. This act of posting is part of getting my voice back. It is really powerful when people stand-up for me but the greatest gift is the healing power of standing up for myself. The speaking is the medicine. Being told it didn’t happen or that “it wasn’t that big of a deal” can be re-traumatizing. Relatives saying, “Bad things happen. You deal with it and move on! You need to let this go!” Or “I heard about the Susan Jane thing.” Some well-meaning people have said things that can compound the grief. “Why were you sleeping at that Woman’s house?” I was asked by a female friend. Like I had a choice when I was 3. “People say mean things during a breakup, get over it.” The last 16 months or so of dealing with the repressed memories, violent ex, getting a restraining order, relatives dismissing it and the comedy club protecting her have been tough. Fortunately, I have a great safety net between, friends, support groups and therapy.

My purpose in telling my story is not to have a competition over who is worse, men or women. But rather to expand the conversation that has been started by the #MeToo movement. I’d like to see more support for male survivors and female abusers held accountable. To be clear, I am not a men’s rights activist. I would like to see the gender and identity politics taken out and bring in an understanding of all survivors. Numerous women have told me of being abused by women when they were kids. Along with countless men telling me their stories. Knowing that survivors can be any gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, socio-economic or religious background. As is also true with the perpetrators. Male survivors are more likely to commit suicide. Something that I have felt on more occasions than I can count. Crying in a ball on the ground because I was afraid to leave my apartment. Shaking uncontrollably and breathing heavy, especially when I saw my ex at the comedy club in January 2018 and again in court in October 2018. Fear of being around women. Recoiling when a female yoga teacher touches me. Feeling uncomfortable during sex. All things I never thought could happen to me. I’m a martial artist and played sports, worked out, etc. Men are supposed to just “deal with it.” A “man’s man” is just supposed to handle it in solace. We aren’t allowed to express pain, hurt, sadness, fear or vulnerability. And never allowed to say no to sex. Don’t want to be called “gay” or “not a real man.” I can completely identify with any women or men who have been abused. Especially if the memories are repressed. Fortunately, I have done all the right things to protect and heal myself. I have an amazing group of loving people around me. Without them, I would not be alive to write this.

Are people going to make fun of me? Call me “a pussy” and say “Get over it. You’re blowing it out of proportion.” When I brought up my childhood abuse a relative became angry saying, “I think you’re losing your mind. I mean are you gay?” Will people think I’m just doing the “but what about…” reactions to the #MeToo movement by men that are insensitive to the abuse that women have taken? I’ve asked myself all these questions and my conclusion is that there is a lack of awareness about violence and abuse towards men and boys. Along with society not wanting to accept the notion of abusive women. Also, men don’t feel like they can speak up. “People will think I’m weak,” or “Women won’t find me attractive if I admit I was abused.” Even the “You’re lucky! You got abused by a woman.” And, “I didn’t think there were any resources for male victims.” The shame and self-doubt can be crushing. I have a college degree, a successful career and good health. I have a good life and consider myself a strong, determined, smart person. None of that matters when repressed grief from childhood trauma comes up and then compounded by an abusive girlfriend who is protected by former friends in positions of power. Imagine what someone with no safety net is going through.

My sincere hope is that my ex and anyone at the comedy club struggling with drug and alcohol abuse gets help. The options without recovery are pretty grim. I also hope that the parent company re-evaluates its practices and views on abuse. If anyone thinks I’m doing this for attention or to boost my career, please know that this might very well hurt my future work opportunities.

If one survivor reads this and gets help rather than kill themselves then everything that I’ve gone through will be worth it. I also hope perceptions can be changed and expanded for the betterment of society.

I’m open to any thoughts or stories anyone may have. The only way we can change generations of abuse is for everyone in society to acknowledge it and talk about it. Darkness can’t exist in the light.

If you or someone you know is a survivor here are some resources:

1in6.org

al-anon.org

peaceoverviolence.org

Books:

The Tao of Fully Feeling by Peter Walker

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

The most courageous thing you can do is ask for help. Without therapy, support groups and loving friends I would be dead or in jail.

You are not alone :)

Graham Elwood