An email to Anne

My response to a high school reader

One time I wrote an article called “Living for Monday” (what purposeful living means to me). It’s my most read piece to date. I got an overwhelming response and I continue to get emails/tweets/etc. about it every week. A young woman named Anne read that article and wrote me recently.

So I wrote her back. Below is her original email, and my response.
If you haven’t read Living for Monday I suggest you do, if only to give this conversation context.

I post this now as a place to point anyone else who might have a similar question to Anne and because I think I was writing to more people than Anne when I responded. I think I was writing to myself, too.

On Mon, May 26, 2014 at 12:33 PM, <XXXXXX@gmail.com> wrote:
Subject: Living

Hi Grant,

I loved your article on Living. My question is: how do I start Living as a high school student? I’m about to enter my junior year in high school, my most stressful one yet. What suggestions do you have for me?

Thanks so much,
Anne

On Mon, June 02, 2014 at 7:37 AM, <grantspanier@gmail.com> wrote: Subject: RE: Living

Hey Anne!

Thanks so much for reading my writing and for taking the time to reach out.

High school is an interesting time.
Lots of pressures (as you know)….
friends, coolness, family, grades, social, alcohol, drugs, sex, sports, activities, the future, test scores, getting into college, romance (or lack of), social media, body image, food, money…..the list goes on.

It can be overwhelming. And in life after high school—in college and/or in the real world—we’re still faced with pressures. An evolving and incessant set of desires/motivations/people/things outside of ourselves. Parents want one thing for us. Teachers another. Friends another. Bosses something else. Society at large, another. This doesn’t go away, I’m sorry to say.

But that’s the beauty of it. Just like Living, once we start, and as we sustain, it’s much easier to get over those pressures. To laugh at them, even. It becomes second nature. Living starts with curiosity, discovery, and hopefully a sense of self-awareness.

If I could tell my high school self one thing it would be this: Let go.

Let go of trying to be cool, of trying to be something or someone you’re not. Let go of compromising yourself for others. In truth, people think about you a lot less than you think they do. There’s less “real” pressure to be or act a certain way—we project this imaginary judgment onto ourselves by reflecting it off others and back to ourselves.

Many times we act a certain way because we think other people want us to act that way, when in reality those people may be acting a certain way because they think other people want them to act a certain way. And so we get caught in this strange cycle of pretending, of faking who we are based on this idea that it’s what’s “right”, it’s what we should do. No. F*ck that, Anne.

My advice, as nauseatingly cliché as it may at first seem, is to “be you.” Because being yourself (even as you’re still searching for who she actually is) will lead you down a path of increasing fulfillment and happiness. Thinking for yourself, acting for yourself, searching for Anne and for answers and for experiences will give you a confidence and a sense of purpose.

It’s cool to care about schoolwork. It’s cool to be a jock. It’s cool to be goth. It’s cool to be weird. It’s okay to not know what you want. Or to be insecure, whatever! These are natural. But try and let go of what you think people think. Let go of expectations. Revel in your lack of direction, if you don’t have any “direction”. Everybody is trying to figure it out.

But a good way to start down that path of self-discovery, should you want to, is to read books (fiction, non-fiction, the act of reading is powerful….the fact that you read my article tells me you probably know this already though). Or start writing. 20 minutes every day to yourself, just writing whatever’s in your head. Get it on paper.

Do you like drawing? Spend more time drawing and less time watching TV.
Do you like singing? Spend more time singing and less time on the computer. Join a club at school. Go out for a play. Do things that make you uncomfortable. Laugh at your insecurity. Laugh at how hard everyone is trying to control everything. Embrace the unknown.

Putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, is the best way to a) figure out who you are/grow and b) find other people that you should be hanging out with. Finding your “tribe” is an exhilarating feeling. Do things that will help you find those people. And when you do, hold on tight.

Stresses—class, family, hardships, loss—are mostly unavoidable. They’re a part of life. Learning to deal with them in a healthy way is important.

For me I find writing to be incredibly therapeutic and helpful in processing my life. Friends are priceless. Exercise and good food help. Family gets more and more important as you get older. I often deal with stress by channeling it into creative output (design, writing, photography, drawing, etc.). When in doubt, make stuff.

These are just some thoughts. I can’t say for certain without knowing you, but the fact that you’re thinking about “Living” at all is a signal to me that you’re on the path. You won’t wake up one day and think “well, I’ve arrived”—the path continues. It winds and turns and confuses sometimes. But staying true to yourself, being honest with yourself, even when it’s not what you want to feel….that’s Living.

I guess what I’m thinking is that you’re probably scared. Why? Because there’s SO much to be afraid of. Because I’m scared, Anne. Everybody is. We’re all scared sh*tless. But that’s ok, really.

Fear is a natural thing. It’s a real thing. And what we do with that fear is what defines us. We can act scared, we can let fear consume us. Or we can embrace it, we can use it to fuel our fire.

You inspired me to write some more about fear. I hope you find something valuable in it. It’s called Scared sh*tless (click to read).

Thanks again for writing Anne. I hope you have a really awesome junior year.

/grant

PS if it’s okay with you I might publish this response, as someone else might be wondering the same thing & get something out of it. Cool?