Rapist Vs. Partner
Indexing A Sexual History
My rapist is number 33 on my list of sexual partners and differentiated with a ~ before his entry. He is listed as ‘Handsy’, which is what I dubbed him upon our introduction; the foreshadowing of that nickname still makes me sick. I no longer remember his name. Handsy appears just past the middle of the list, after 32 other encounters I remembered immediately and could rattle off with ease. His appearance marked a pause; I had debated with myself for some time before ultimately including him and then moving on to the remaining names.
The inclusion of my rapist on my list of sexual partners wasn’t pleasant or immediate, but it did feel necessary. For me, the list is more technical than romantic, i.e., these are the people who have been inside my vagina. The list was never anything other than a practical document, something maintained electronically for easy access and tabulation, and only begun upon realizing I was approaching a point where I might no longer easily recall the specifics or circumstances of those involved in my escapades. The distinction of penetration meant that I did not include the man who molested me as a child nor the former friend who masturbated over me while I was incapacitated on pills and booze after my high school graduation.
Since deciding to write about this topic, it has become apparent that my approach to…
