Am I running away, or am I taking a step back to better prepare moving forward?
Once again, I am alone on a train on my way to a big city, looking forward to being lonely, ready for a couple of days of deep pondering on my present and the future. It seems to be a pattern in my life: when things get tough, I leave for a few days. In my mind, it’s to clear my head, prepare a plan, and come back stronger.
But it sometimes feels as if I’m simply running away in fear, waiting for it to pass, and returning when my body feels safer. If that’s what’s happening, that’s not healthy, and for a couple of reasons. First of all it’s a financial burden that could become destructive and I don’t live alone anymore. I’m in a relationship, I have responsabilities, and my coping mechanisms should not negatively affect my partner. Secondly, I’m not always going to have the priviledge, time or ability to travel somewhere. What then? Would the fear consume me whole?
Why can’t I take a step back without moving an inch? Why do I need to physically go somewhere to be able to mentally move past something?
Just as time and space seem to be intertwined in all of science fiction (and I can only presume science too) as a set of coordinates that can’t be separated, it seems that I’m unable so far to gather myself and overcome whatever lies ahead mentally, without actual physical travel. I’ve always felt the most at ease when traveling. Hotels, airplanes, trains? Love them. The empty and foggy countryside rushing by as I contemplate a quiet lull in a busy wagon, speeding through the entirety of France from south to north? Bliss.
Quick diversion: I’m very thankful to be in such a responsible and adult relationship that, whenever this happens, my fiancé understands it is not in any way due to any sort of failure on his part to provide anything, or a failure of our life together. It says way more about me, really, and his attitude towards it speaks volume about his noblesse of character. I’m extremely lucky to have the necessary room in our relationship to get some space when needed. Again, it seems to come back to spatiality in some way.
Are mental and physical space necessarily linked? The question stays in my head as look outside the train’s windows, thinking about the couple of days ahead of me. I guess I’ll let you know when I’m on the train back. I’m about to face one of the biggest hurdles of my adult life.
And it seems like it’s going to take me a train ride of 1500 kilometers – encompassing the entire round trip but not counting all the walking around about to happen – to prepare for it.
But I’ll prepare for it. I’m done letting life happen to me. I’m done doubting my understanding of my own life’s narrative. I’ve traveled 6000+ kilometers from Benin, in Western Africa, to reach France. Before that I traveled at the age of 17 to the US to study. I’ve been to Syria, Japan, Denmark, Spain, Dubai, and many more places. I’ve dealt with identity and family issues, racism, religious discrimination and homophobia, body image problems and depression.
I’m forcing myself to type this, but simply put: I am strong. I survive.
I’ve traveled more than 6000 kilometers to immigrate.
What’s another 1500?
