I actually enjoyed the new Ghostbusters. Let me start with that, but today, even though it’s cold, I’m wearing a running vest. I’m not playing. I hope steam comes off me when I stop because that looks cool. I check my Garmin 630 running watch. I’m roughly on schedule. When I get home the watch will automatically upload the data from my run to Strava.

Strava is a website that sucks all the fun out of physical activity.

I’m trying to beat this Strava segment record. Only about a mile. Clearly not a popular route. When I beat it the other runners on Strava will post envious congratulations and it’ll be cool.

But there’s a problem ahead and that problem is all women ever.

First are two men walking along. That’s fine, they’ll sense me coming and part like that sea in the bible without even looking behind. In front of them is a family and they’re blocking the whole pavement and they could totally fuck my run. Because the family has women in it.

Hang on a minute, one half of that line of family are male, why don’t you simply head for them?

Good question. As a male I can see how situations might unfold. For example I know a child behaves similar to a woman when it comes to spatial awareness. Don’t believe me? Let your 8 year-old son drive home from the school pick-up. You won’t be able to pick him out from the mums. I see the man in the family has a lamppost to contend with. He won’t just walk into it with a clang like a woman would. That leaves the other half of the family. The female half.

I start stomping a bit so they hear me even though I’ve been trying to run ‘light’. I’m heading directly for the woman as there is a gap near the railings. I already know I’ve made a mistake but I’m committed. She see me. Then she deftly skips to the side, allowing me to pass unhindered. This surprises me and I bump into the railings. There’s a clang and it really hurts but I don’t let it show.

The man tries to corral his family. Too late, mate, I think. She’s ruined everything. I missed the record by 3 minutes. Steam doesn’t come off me because it’s not cold enough.