My name is Jordan and I was sexually assaulted the second weekend of my freshman year.
The trauma of the incident lead to me suffering from depression and put me in a horrible mental state of mind. Symptoms that I deal with everyday now are social withdrawnness, lack of interest in things I would normally enjoy, feelings of worthlessness, unexplained irritability, and inability to sleep.
After the rape my self-esteem suffered significantly. The way I view myself and others has changed. There are moments where I lose my integrity and power to continue a balanced life, but then I remember there are people in the world who love me.
People who are supporting me.
People who are being patient and understanding.
People who view me not as a victim, but as the same woman I was before the assault.
I blamed myself for what happened. I believe I could of have prevented the incident or even stopped it from happening.
When I finally came to the realization that it was not my fault and someone else had complete control and power over me is when I really broke down. It felt better to believe that I had a part in the event rather than admit to myself that I was helpless and could not do anything.
When most people hear the word “rape”, they automatically think of the attacker being a stranger forcing themselves upon another and doing unwanted sexual things to the victim in a dark alley.
I knew my rapist.
I met him the second day I was on campus.
I considered him a friend.
I trusted him.
Nobody talks about the endless nights you wake up from reoccurring nightmares and taking a shower afterwards trying to remove the shame off of your body.
Nobody talks about how the touch of your attacker still lingers and how the simplest touch from a friend or a family member can be a trigger.
Nobody talks about how hard it is to look in a mirror and see yourself as the same person you were before.
Nobody talks about how some days are great and you forget that it ever happened, but some days are horrible and you let it run through your head over and over again.
Nobody talks about how people may view your rape as baggage.
Nobody talks about how speaking openly about sexual assault makes people feel uncomfortable.
I am not afraid to talk about my assault. I am not afraid to address rape culture. I am not afraid to stand up for the ones who do not have the voice to. It is difficult and some days harder than others. Yes, the assault affects me, but I do not let it define who I am.
We are not damaged. It is just something that happened to us. We are resilient, strong, courageous, powerful, and brave.
We are not victims, but survivors.
