Pick, Dick, and Hick of the Day — 1/27/17

Pick Of The Day:

Washington Wizards (ML +150) at Atlanta Hawks

John Wall is a bad bad man. He’s helped lead his Wizards to victory in 6 of their last 7 games. Tonight he takes his squad down to Atlanta to face notorious dickbag, Dwight Howard and the Atlanta Hawks.

Hawks have had a fine season so far and are 5–3 in their last 8 games but two of those five wins are againts the Bulls who are, in fact, trash. I think the Wizards are starting to roll and they’ll take that momentum into ATL to beat the Hawks.*

*Disclaimer: I don’t know shit about the NBA. (I’ve said it before)

Dick Of The Day:

Forrest Richard “Dickey” Betts, aka Dick Betts

In honor of Butch Truck’s passing, we nominate a fellow Allman Brothers Band founder as the Dick Of The Day. #RIPButchTrucks

First things first, I had no clue his real name is Forrest. Forrest is a pretty sweet name but I guess he really really wanted to go by a name that associates with dong.

This guy fucks.

Betts is pretty much a fucking legend. Founding member of the Allman Brothers Band in 1969 (#nice) and an all-time guitarist. Very impressive, they’re one of the most accomplished rock bands of all time and a personal favorite of mine.

BUT LOOK AT THAT FUCKING MUSTACHE. Absolutely legendary. You know he put up MJ type numbers in the 70s and 80s when it came to the females. We’re talking mustache rides on mothafuckin’ mustache rides.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know the story of Betts and the Allman Brothers Band… Duane Allman asked him to join a group he was starting in 1969 and Betts would go on to carry the band until he was kicked out of the group in 2000. Kicked out of the band he helped create — pretty rough, right? Now, Imagine the worst possible way to get told you’re fired.

Well, Dickey got it worse. I promise.

They sent him a fucking fax. A FAX! I don’t care what year it was (actually, now that I think about it, 2000 was way too late in the game to be faxing shit) because that’s a brutal fucking way to break things off. That’s way worse than even a text.

Anyway, they sent him a fax telling him he was out of the band and that he needed to clean up. I mean, I’m sure he was a mess but if we’re being honest he had the perfect trifecta. I like my rock legends to have the following: legendary facial hair, incredible skillset for their instrument, and be a raging alcoholic. Dickey passes all three with flying colors!

Anyway — I guess I should probably include Forrest’s Grammy award winning song, Jessica:

People Forget: This was from the time Rolling Stones’ Keyboardist, Chuck Leavell, was in the Allman Brothers Band.

Hick Of The Day:

Naked man tased by Escambia County Officer

“A naked Pensacola man was tased and arrested Sunday” is the single greatest opening line to any piece of writing the history of words. Fact. I read that and just grinned because I knew I had hit the jackpot!

So, Charles William Raulerson was reported (ratted on) as a ‘suspicious person’ at 5:40am when he was seen hanging out in the car wash’s parking lot… pantless. Police arrived to find him blasting music form his car in the parking lot and just hanging out without pants. Now, I know you’re thinking to yourself “yeah, yeah, yeah — this is just another day in Florida. Naked Redneck being absurdly stupid.” WRONG! So very wrong, my friend. Because here was Charles’ response when asked to put his clothes on:

They took off running by themselves without me.

They [Chuck’s clothes] took off running [left him] by themselves without me [our guy, Chuck].

Yes Chuck, yes! Thank you. Sorry you got tased shortly after the greatest excuse of all time but thank you for your service.

If Chuck’s infinite wisdom and reasoning for hanging out naked in a parking lot isn’t the perfect thing to lead us into the weekend, I don’t know what is.

Cheers! 🍻