9/11 Conspiracist Transcript

Dick: OK so the plan’s in place. We’ll create a false pretence to invade Iraq so that my company Halliburton can get extremely rich out of military contracts and we can get loads of oil.

George: Yes! And what better way to do it than to crash a plane in a false flag operation just like the Operation Northwoods stuff that everyone talks about but nobody ever actually did. Kennedy was a fucking gaylord pussy, we’re much smarter than him.

Dick: Congress will give us anything we want.

Osama: Only…?

Dick: What is it?

Osama: I mean, is that really enough? If we just bring down a plane that might not fire people up enough.

George: So what do we need to do?

Dick: What if we crash a plane into the Pentagon?

Osama: That would work.

George: I’ve always hated those military pricks.

Osama: But…

Dick: What?

Osama: What if that’s not enough either?

George: You think flying a plane into the Pentagon isn’t going to create enough of a national emergency?

Osama: I think we need more.

Dick: OK so how about we crash TWO planes.

George: Into the World Trade Centre!

Osama: That sounds perfect!

Dick: OK right that’s settled.

Osama: As well as the Pentagon right?

Dick: As well as…?

George: You want us to run two separate false flag attacks?

Osama: It’s the only way to be sure.

Dick: Look I know you’re the terrorist mastermind here but I have to say that seems logistically problematic.

Osama: Also…

George: There’s more?

Osama: Yes, I think we should also wire the towers with explosives.

Dick: Why would we do this?

Osama: Well we want to create a spectacle. We want to knock them right down. But I’ve been looking at lots of information on the internet and jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, so we’ll need to help it along by sending in demolition teams to wire the whole place up with explosives so that we can knock them down after the planes hit.

George: That seems excessive. I’m pretty sure flying planes into buildings will get Congress to authorise our attacks on Iraq.

Dick: It will create a spectacle though.

George: OK, fine, secret demolition teams will wire up WTC 1 and 2 to ensure they fall down.

Osama: And 7 too.

Dick: 7 what?

Osama: WTC 7. The one next to the twin towers. Let’s hire some people to plant explosives all over it and then get the FDNY in on this, get them to demolish it about two hours after the main attack.

George: After the main attack on the very iconic Twin Towers?

Dick: And the Pentagon?

George: I’m not sure I see the point in that to be honest.

Osama: Yeah but George I’m the terrorist genius and you’re a C student, you have to trust me on this. We need to knock down WTC 7 too.

Dick: OK this is getting a bit complicated but I am, after all, basically a supervillain who came of political age during Nixon’s corrupt presidency. I can do this.

Osama: Oh and also.

George: There’s more?

Osama: I want to crash another plane in a field.

Dick: What?

Osama: I think a field in Pennsylvania would be appropriate.

George: So after flying a plane, wait, two planes into the Twin Towers in New York, and one into the Pentagon, and then knocking down another building, you want to crash a plane in a field in Pennsylvania?

Osama: Yes.

George: Why?

Osama: George I swear to Allah I will cut your face if you keep questioning me like this. Why did you want that fucking baseball team eh? I just want this. I have a field picked out and everything. Let me have my fucking plane in a field.

Dick: OK, OK, calm down, you can have your plane crash.

Osama: THANK YOU.

George: Anything else?

Osama: No that just about covers it.

Dick: OK well that’s settled then. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to phone about 1,000 different people and swear them all to secrecy.

Osama: Good job. If there’s anything I’ve learned running a shadowy terrorist cell, it’s that having plans which require thousands of people to know what’s going on and all be involved in the cover up is the key to success.

George: I’m so pleased we have you here to rely on.

Osama: Oh also I’m not really here you just made me up as a scapegoat.

Dick: Naturally.

George: Glad we got that sorted out. Now, watch this drive.

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