10 Lessons Donald Trump Taught Me About Self-Esteem

My friends are divided between those who love and celebrate President Trump and those who have been in a deep depression, since the election.

In my quest to see the bright side of just about everything (think Pollyanna), here are 10 lessons I am learning from The Donald. If I can use them all, I will build my self-esteem. And isn’t that everything?

  1. Thoughtful liberal friends may tell you the truth. Ditch them. What you really want is a bunch of acolytes who tell you that you are completely in the right, especially when you’re wrong. Nearly anyone will agree with you, when you are correct. I am currently retraining a pal to say how beautiful and clever I am, whenever they see me. Faults are for losers. Losers should be fired. Most of my friends are fired, pending re-education efforts.
  2. Winning is everything. If you are losing, you may still be winning. What you have to do is shout out that you are winning, all the time. Pay a few people to yell and scream about how great you are, 15 times every hour. It’s best if these people are rich, tall and white men. But anyone will do, if you are pressed for time.
  3. Reality TV is the ultimate career builder. You don’t have a show? You live in Europe? No problem. Send out aggressive press releases to all the media in your town. Do this every week or even more often. Express the most outrageous, racist, sexist and nasty views possible. Media attention will follow. Reality TV will reach our to you. Trust me on this. I am worth trusting, because I keep saying so.
  4. Join a political party. It doesn’t matter which one. Join several. Go to meetings. Pick the noisiest person in the room and behave just like them. Get into arguments. Always attend every meeting and gradually take over the direction of policy. You can lead any gathering just by being able to stay up later than anyone else. In politics, stamina and being loud are everything.
  5. Distinctive hair helps to create a brand. You don’t have distinctive hair? No problem. Wear an enormous hat. See my picture, above and you will find yourself trusting me and feeling better. You may even smile. The important point here is to make your head as enormous as physically possible. Your ego will follow and it will grow.
  6. Speak of yourself in third person or repeat your name often. Or, do both of these. I, Greer Nicholson, promise to use my name as often as I can. This will make you remember my name and it will position me as an authority. An authority on what? That doesn’t matter. You’re missing the point. It worked for Donald Trump and for Julius Caesar. It will work for me.
  7. Detail is for little people. Winners don’t do detail. Minions are hired for the small stuff and they can be fired, easily. Have big visions that can be whatever people want them to be. You don’t know where to start? I plan to use “a chicken in every pot”, but with vegetarian alternatives.
  8. Build an enormous wall. Make it huge. Let it be offensive to at least one population. Mexico’s 127 million people are already annoyed by this idea, so I will probably go for Canada’s 35.85 million, instead. When challenged, I will agree to back down a little and just build a wall around Justin Trudeau. By that time, I will have all your attention.
  9. Forget dignity and acceptance. These are your enemies. If you were raised to believe that love, kindness and intelligence are the most important things in life, your parents were probably losers. Brash bragging is the new way of winning. If you struggle with this, watch reality TV and copy any of the Kardashians or Real Housewives. Think of this as part of your education.
  10. Weird beliefs are back in fashion. Complete sentences are yesterday’s news. Bits of. Sentences. Are. Just fine. Climate change? Vaccines? Women’s rights? Black lives matter? The “swamp” of Washington? All are losers. History is written by winners. Self-esteem is about being a winner and eliminating all thoughtfulness and doubt. I am learning to think about gold bathrooms, in a non-ironic way. In time, like Orwell’s Winston, I may learn to love Big Brother.