I have peace of mind, and in my heart, that I’ve been open and honest and held nothing back.
Lesson 77: Risk Happy
Susan Rosenzweig
202

Me too…I held nothing back. My heart was broken…repeatedly! I gave it my all.

The problem is my boundaries are broken. Note, the “repeatedly” above. If I had better boundaries and emotional resilience this would not have happened.

I tried and tried. But was repeatedly hurt. I kept letting her back in when she asked…hoping it would turn out differently that time. Even “stupid me” realized I was being setup again, probably even being lied too…the very least used and my needs and feelings not considered…ignored really.

At that point…I was so hurt and angry (desperate and broken…despair) I open up with both barrels to hurt her…to keep her away, from hurting me again. I regret that…but it is done.

If I had the right combination of vulnerability and emotional boundaries…none of it would have happened. If I had had the self confidence and belief in my own self worth…I could have, and would have, seen the bad news and pain she was brining and held the line…protecting my self…and even her.

But instead my need to try and please her, be there for her…and my own hope and dreams of being with her…just compelled me to walk right back into the same emotional trap…knowing it would not work out differently. Perhaps if I was stronger or smarter…? But I was not.

So I was destroyed and I destroyed her. All I can do is forgive myself and move on. Most days of late I am failing this…even now I do not to let go and give her up. But she is pain…and gone for good. So I have to.

Somehow I have to find the strength…one day at a time.

I hope she finds peace.

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