Make This Family Great Again

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!”

“Thank you. Thank you, kids. Look at you beautiful, beautiful children. And so many of you. Am I a SuperDad or what? I love you all so much. You make me feel like a SuperDad?”

“You are a SuperDad, Daddy.”

“Right. Now how about your crooked Mommy? Such a disgrace. Did you hear her there in court? Lying, lying, lying. ‘Daddy’s cheating on me and Daddy’s doing this bad thing and Daddy’s doing that bad thing.’ So sleezy of her. So disrespectful. Crooked, lying, Mommy. Such a loser.”

“Mommy’s a total loser.”

“Yupp, but the whole court system is rigged. That woman judge? So incompetent. So unfair. What a jerk. I’d like to punch her in the face. She shouldn’t be trying this case. She should recuse herself.”

“We don’t know what that means, Daddy.”

“Forget it. Crooked Mommy is playing the woman card there in court and this judge is eating out of her hand. There’s something going on there, kids, because, you know, women love me. Women love me! So there’s something going on there. Believe me.”

“We believe you, Daddy.”

“But we’re gonna win. We’re gonna win big. And once we’ve won, how are we gonna keep Crooked Mommy from ever coming on our property again?”

“We don’t know, Daddy. How?”

“What’s wrong with you kids? Everybody in the world knows how we’re going to keep her out.”

“You’re gonna make a deal?”

“No, you imbeciles, I’m not gonna make a goddamn deal.”

“Then maybe you’re gonna buy us a puppy, Daddy. A watchdog puppy to keep Mommy off our property.”

“That isn’t what I had in mind, but what the hell, why not? I’ll get you a beautiful, huge, pitbull and he’s gonna be mean and tough as nails and we’re gonna call him Sheriff Joe and he’s not gonna let Mommy within a mile of our place.”

“Yeah! We want Sheriff Joe, the watchdog pitbull puppy.”

“And who’s gonna pay for Sheriff Joe?”

“Who, Daddy?”

“Mommy’s gonna pay, you dimwits. Can’t you figure out anything for yourselves? Now, altogether, who’s gonna pay for Sheriff Joe?”

“Mommy!”

“You’re damn right she is. One more time — Who’s gonna pay?”

“Mommy!!!”

“That’s right, and we’re going to make this family so great again . . . now you haven’t been doing well in school lately because the school system is rigged against you. They’re letting in all those terrible misfits. They’re coming from awful places where there’s so much hatred and they’re bringing that hatred with them to school. They’re very bad people — thieves and dope dealers, and other awful things I can’t even mention in front of children, though some, I assume, are nice. But we got to figure it all out. We have to figure it out.”

“Yes, please figure that out for us, Daddy.”

“And your teachers are taking your good grades and they’re shipping them off to China and they’re stealing your good grades and they’re sending them off to Mexico and other places. I’m gonna bring back your good grades. And I am gonna send those terrible, disgusting kids back to where they came from. And we’re gonna win!”

“We love you, Daddy. Please make our family great again. We want to win.”

“We’re gonna win. We’re gonna win so much you are going to beg me : Daddy, please stop winning so much.”

“Daddy, please stop winning so much.”

“Not yet, you morons. After we’ve been winning for a while . . . Now, where’s my African-American? He’s such a great guy. Bring him up here.”

“He’s washing your car.”

“Alright, let him be, but I love my African-American and he loves me.”

“Of course, Daddy.”

“We’re going to make this family so great again. And to get off to a good start I have a wonderful surprise for you.”

“Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!”

“No, not ice cream. And if you would just shut up for a second I’m gonna introduce you to your new mother. She’s almost your age so you should get along with her quite nicely. She’s a very beautiful woman, don’t you think?”

“Sorry, Daddy. She’s like a six. A seven at best.”

What in the hell are you talking about? She’s a ten. Do you hear me? Your new mother is a ten, kids.”

“Sure, Daddy, whatever you say. Can we have some ice cream now? It’s hot out here.”

“You can have anything you want, kids, because we’re gonna make this family so great again.”

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.