How to Break Up with your Millennial Marketer
There I was in my home office on my computer one November afternoon, day dreaming about the epic Halloween party I attended two weeks prior, when my phone rang.
“Hi, Gregg. This is Stacy from Discount Drug Store.”
“Um, hi. Did my prescription renewal not go through?” I said.
“Oh, no. That all worked out fine. I’m calling to thank you for purchasing those Tampons. Did you find your customer experience rewarding? Did the absorption live up to your standards?” asked Stacy (enthusiastically I might add).
“Well — Stacy, is it?”
“Well, Stacy. As I hope you can tell, I’m a guy so I didn’t use them. My wife asked me to get them while I was at your store,” I said.
“Of course, Gregg. Now that I realize you’re male, would you recommend Discount Drug Store tampons to your male friends with wives who are looking for quality absorption in their lives?” she said.
“Stacy, I’m not gonna lie to you. I don’t know what my friends’ wives tampon absorption needs are, and I have to go.”
“Of course, Gregg. You’ll be getting a survey from us next week. Please rate us a 5 if you’re completely satisfied.” For all that is merciful, she finally hung up.
That’s when I heard the “PING!” and I saw a different survey pop up on my email. This one was from the online party store where I ordered my Halloween costume.
“Dear Gregg. We hope you enjoyed the shopping experience at PARTYSTUFF&SUCH. How easy was it for you to order ‘70’s SLEAZY PIMP OUTFIT’? Did we do right by you? Would you buy another pimp outfit from us again? On a scale of 1–5, with 5 being the sleaziest, how sleazy did our 70’s SLEAZY PIMP OUTFIT make you feel? Would you recommend us to your other morally depraved friends?”
What the hell is going on…. “PING!”
An email survey from CHASE BANK.
“Dear Gregg, Chase Bank here. We understand you purchased a ‘70’s SLEAZY PIMP OUTFIT’ with one of our cards. How did it go? Was that purchase as rewarding as the time you came in to our branch to withdraw money? We couldn’t help but notice you hit on Betsy, our cute new Bank Teller we hired to bring in morally depraved SLEAZY PIMP OUTFIT ordering perverts like yourself. Will you bank with us again? Would you recommend CHASE BANK to your other 70’s SLEAZY PIMP OUTFIT pervert friends?”
Are you fucking kidding me. (PHONE RINGS)
“Hello, this is Gregg.”
“Hi Gregg. It’s Stacy from Discount Drug Store again.”
“Hi Stacy. Listen. You seem really nice, but this just isn’t working. It’s me, not you. I swear.”
“Don’t say that, Gregg. Please. We can work this out.”
“Stacy. You know I’m no good for you. Just look at the facts. I’m a perverted sleaze bucket who walks around in 70’s costumes. And after I buy Tampons for my wife dressed like a pimp, I like to hit on cute bank tellers at my local Chase Bank. DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!”
“Okay, Gregg. But is it okay if I still email you from time to time.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Stacy.”
“Could you at least rate me a 5 out of 5 on the email survey?”
“For you, Stacy…of course I can.”
And just like that, she was out of my life.