“No one questions you if you have a clipboard.” Meet the Sheriff Sale Guru, Pizzeria Uno, Maple Shade, NJ

It takes a star to pack in the back room of the Maple Shade Pizzeria Uno. And a star was born tonight as the members of the South Jersey Real Estate Investors Club were treated with remarks from The Sheriff Sale Guru himself!

What is a sheriff’s sale? Thanks for asking. Sheriff sales are a great way to invest in real estate. Buying a house someone previously purchased but can no longer afford and is now being auctioned off is a great way for anyone to profit.

You may be asking yourself about the fashion choices of a self-described Sheriff Sale Guru. It’s a Hawaiian shirt over some ratty Sears jeans and the beginnings of a 93 Phils mullet.

But have no fear! You don’t have to get your hands dirty. There are ways to obtain a house via a sheriff’s sale where the previous tenants have been long eliminated.

“You don’t wanna deal with people. With sheriff sales, you don’t have to!”

An easy way to determine if a poor person/poor family is still living in the house is to examine their garbage on trash night. If it’s traditional garbage filled with Hot Pockets boxes, chances are poor people are still living inside. But if the curb is lined up with furniture, chances are the tenants are moving on!

You can also ask the neighbors about the property in question, according to the Sheriff Sale Guru. But what if the neighbors are suspicious?

  • “I dress well and carry a clipboard. That’s the best advice I can give you. Get a clipboard. No one questions you if you have a clipboard.”

Many sheriff’s sales also prevent potential bidders from looking inside of the property in question. There are ways around this.

  • “I’m not telling you to trespass. But I can go around back. Maybe the door’s unlocked. I’m in and out in five minutes.”

But what if you buy a house via sheriff’s sale AND the previous residents don’t move out? There are two options, according to the Sheriff Sale Guru:

  • “You can tell someone living there that ‘it’s gonna cost me about $1500 to get the sheriff to kick you out. How about I just give you $1500 and you just get out?”
  • “Okay. But I’m moving in with you. And I’m in a rock band and I play drums. And I stay up reaaal late.”

It’s also worth it to know what suburban Philadelphia areas are the best to work in. Montgomery County is the GOLD STANDARD of sheriff sale listings. Delaware County (Delco) has a skeletal online system.

But make SURE you go about a sheriff sale the right way as “there are various degrees on the sphincter scale of economic pain.” Follow his simple steps and you’ll be on your way to successfully owning a house that has likely blighted a neighborhood for several years!


“What are some reasons why you would pass on a house after a neighbor talked to you?”

Person sitting near me: “Meth!”


This was actually a very informative event for any real estate investors looking to take their first steps in owning property via a monthly auction at a county courthouse. If I was actually looking to invest in real estate as opposed to going to real estate and investment seminars as performance artPizzeria Uno also had decent chicken wings, too.