It’s all about the relationship…
First of all, thank you for letting us be a part of your thought process. Second, I applaud you for a well written and transparent discussion about an issue that troubles you. A couple encouraging thoughts for you:
1. God will never stop calling you. Truth is, God wants nothing more than to have a relationship with you. But any good and lasting relationship is a two-way street. One of God’s attributes is that he is always present and waiting; it’s just that we tune God out, and all the distractions of our 24/7 world get in the way of that relationship. That tug and desire for faith that you feel…it’s not just some chemical or biological reaction…it’s God trying to get your attention.
2. God’s will for you is simple. I know a lot of people who ring their hands and fret over whether they’re doing “what God wants”. It’s not that hard! God’s will for you is that you know him. But…God’s given you the right to say yea or nay, and that’s called free will.
3. God completely liberates you. Don’t believe the lie that God decides where you spend eternity, you decide. Don’t be deceived; the decision is yours and yours alone to make. You can make any decision you want, God’s not controlling you. God won’t force you to do anything. God wants you to choose him out of your own free will. Love doesn’t control. Love liberates.
4. Make the relationship your own. We all have religious baggage from our prior experiences. God is not a religion or a denomination. God cared enough to reveal himself to us. Focus on the personhood of God. Focus on building that relationship and make it yours — fresh and new and life giving.
5. Just because you cannot understand something, doesn’t make it untrue. There are a lot of things I don’t fully understand, but after reading and thinking about them, I acknowledge them as true. For instance, I have not seen a cosmological black hole up close and personal, but I believe they exist because of the gravitational movements of objects around them and the theory of general relativity. I don’t fully understand these things, but I still believe black holes exist.
Making a decision about eternity is not something to be taken lightly. Make your decision based on hope and not on fear. Focus your decision on the expansive promises that can affect your life here, and in the next. Make the relationship your own, you won’t regret it.
