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The Unindicted: Trumpist Collaborators TBA (To Be Arrested)

As we await today’s historic election with trepidation — the very future of the republic hinges on the result, after all — let us not forget that, win or lose, the Special Counsel’s investigation marches on.

Already, Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort, Trump national security adviser Mike Flynn, and Trump personal attorney and RNC deputy finance chair Michael Cohen have been convicted of major crimes, to say nothing of the lower-level collaborators like George Papadopoulos. But there are many, many more Trumpists to be brought to justice. Tomorrow, Robert Mueller can resume handing out indictments.

Here are a few collaborators awaiting their time in the barrel:

Roger Stone
The Dark Priest of Ratfuckery, the Man with the Nixon Tattoo, and the former business partner of felon Paul Manafort, Stone is likely the first domino to fall. He’s publicly denied coordinating with Russia via WikiLeaks, despite publicly coordinating with Russia via WikiLeaks. Those billets-doux with Guccifer 2.0 will cost him.

Julian Assange
The WikiLeaks founder has been living in the basement of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London for six and a half years — longer than the prison sentence would have been, probably, for his sexual assault charge. He is a lousy houseguest, a malodorous slob, and a negligent cat owner. His apologists insist he is unfairly imprisoned for his journalism, but the truth is, he can leave the embassy whenever he wishes. And he’s a Russian propagandist, not a journalist. Journalists don’t indiscriminately document-dump; Leninists do that.

Devin Nunes
The chair of the House Intelligence Committee hasn’t been the same since his cronies at the White House warned him about “unmasking” going on involving members of Trump’s inner sanctum. We are not sure whose unmasked name spooked Nunes so badly, but we suspect it rhymes with “Kevin Prunes.”

Paul Ryan
Observing that both Trump and Pence were guilty of coordinating with Russia, Ryan, as Speaker of the House, could have led a righteous impeachment movement, united the country, and taken the White House himself. Pretty neat trifecta. Instead, he’s retiring to [read notes] spend more time with his family? Yeah, he’s not guilty at all of taking those dirty rubles.

Sean Hannity
Client #3 has more problems than just his imprudent choice of legal representation. What is the nature of his relationship with Assange, the aforementioned Russian asset? How about Nigel Farage? Roger Stone? Trump himself? Note to Mr. Hannity: journalists don’t speak at political rallies. Like, ever. Russian propagandists do that.

Jared Kushner
Too many illicit meetings with the Russians to document here, including the Trump Tower meeting and the clumsy attempt to set up a backchannel through the Russian embassy. Lied on his SF-86 forms, more that once. Is complicit in the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. And if he really did trade state secrets for Saudi aid with his personal financial problems, that’s espionage, and it’s punishable by death. So let’s hope, for his sake, that Mr. Ivanka really is cooperating with the investigation, as rumors suggest.

Donald Trump, Jr.
He insists he’s done nothing wrong. He is lying. As Jess Dweck remarked, “There is no one better named than Donald Trump, Jr.”

Ivanka Trump
“I just rode the elevator with the Russian spies!” “I wasn’t really involved in the money laundering scheme in Vancouver!” “My name no longer appears on the documents for that company!” “I’ve never even been to Baku!” Tell it to the judge, Kremlin Barbie.

Jeff Sessions
Just because the Nazi Keebler Elf has to remain as AG to protect Mueller doesn’t mean he’s not guilty of violating the Logan Act and also of perjury. Beauregard loves him some Rooskies.

Steve Bannon
Last week, he stood before 17 peers in a Midwestern Holiday Inn. Next it may well be a jury of 12 peers in a courtroom.

Brad Parscale
Trump continues his policy of hiring campaign managers with impending legal problems.

Mike Pence
Manafort’s choice for VP is also Putin’s choice for VP. Pence chaired the Trump Transition Team, when treason was in full flower. I still expect him to resign, seemingly out of the blue.

Donald Trump
Can a sitting president be indicted? Depends on the nature of the crime. If you have to actively lobby for this interpretation of the Constitution to shield yourself from your bad behavior…that’s not a good look. Justice will come for the Orange Overlord. It may not be swift, but it will be devastating.