Dear Mom & Dad
(Post Deaths)

I so desperately miss you both.

Often I feel cheated. I did not get enough time with each of you. I know this is not true, I’m fortunate that I got both of you into my 50’s. I still however want more time!

Time, that elusive clock that just keeps on going. Sometimes as a turtle, others at the speed of sound.

Life, death and in between is such a process. Hell, I now know that death is in and of itself a process. Each of us get’s there one way or the other. We’re all headed that direction.

As I try to comprehend you’re both gone, I’m struck at how it feels without you.

I now realize more than ever how I have many pieces of you both. You are engrained in my behavior, thoughts, words and deeds.

Most importantly, you’re deep deep within the confines of my heart and soul. I have your lives embodied within my own.

The well of your wisdom, life lessons, and teachings will never run dry. It will continue to flow until my time comes to join you.

Thank God with age comes wisdom. It kind of creeps up on you like turning 40 was for example.

It occurs to me that the words associated with one’s parents also play a role in my grief.

I had one mother and father. One set of parents. Certain proper nouns associated only with you.

At times in my life, I’ve referred to others saying something such as “You’re like a second mother to me” as an example.

Reality helps my heart accept there’s only one mom and one dad. My parents. No siblings, just me.

The gay humor in me is reminded of Sex & The City Episode 9 Season 6 where Miranda laments everyone saying “Just me” because she’s forever single.

Now I’m alone in the sense that there will never be anyone who will ever take your place. Fill your shoes. As it should be.

You both did the best you could. I’m so grateful to both of you for all the things you sacrificed, both seen and unseen.

You’re love for me was ever present, even during difficult and turbulent times of my life and our lives as a family.

I know what I know. It was what it was.

God’s perfect order as you’d always say mom. Things always work out the way they’re supposed to.

There is a plan for which I don’t need nor have a blueprint.

As I’ve grown older, the plan reveals itself to me teeny tiny fragments at a time. I’ve had a sense of when things were coming. Of course I’ve also been blindsided from time to time as things go.

I spose life would be dull and boring if I had a way to read into my own future. I’d either be terrified, overjoyed, or wasting time trying to change my destiny.

Maybe that is where God’s grace and divine order come into play.

I comprehend and appreciate my life as I live it. As it unfolds. I can look ahead. I can make plans, decisions, choices. Each of these help me reach my destiny.

Looking in the rear view mirror is always comfortable. The horizon is also important as well. Just differently.

Destiny is only truly appreciated when it takes the form of the present and past.

If destiny is the future, than surely the present is a magnificent experience. Life is lived in between the margins of these two.

I’m so grateful to be having a life. I’m alive, present and accounted for. What a gift it is. Each and every moment of it.

With my deepest love for both of you,

Your son.