
08/22/2017
It’s been 8+ months since you took your last breath.
You were my champion, the pure innocent love of my life, always supportive and in my corner.
I completed my trip from Arizona. I needed those silly items out of storage finally.
On the drive back to California, i realized you were not at home waiting for my return.
This was my first trip leaving our home for 2 1/2 years.
I’m used to calling you to tell you of my progress when I go somewhere.
Alas, it seems there are no phones in heaven! No telecommuting, just conveying my love via my own thoughts toward your spirit.
It feels good to have collected some trinkets from my childhood.
My baby blankets, couple old stuffed animals.
All my children’s books! Like old (very old) friends they greeted me!
Thanks so much for encouraging, fostering and yes making me read.
You saw to it I used my imagination before I even knew what it was.
I’m quite proud at how purposeful I yanked my stuff out, packed up the car and brought it back.
Closing the loops from this part of my life is important to me. I’ll always cherish my time in Arizona. Now it is however my past.
Northern California is my home. In my heart & soul. It’s where I’m happiest. I have a life. One worth living.
My hometown of Los Angeles is but a very distant blip. Home is here, as it should be. It’s been 21 years after all since I left L.A.
Tears welled in my eyes as I thought of you not being at home. You’re gone.
Time is such an intangible & odd thing. It moves quickly, slowly and everything in between.
I’ve grown up tremendously these last few years. I’ve had to. I stepped up and did what had to be done.
I’m now overly familiar with grief. More importantly I’m familiar with the process of it.
It tears at my heart sometimes and grabs ahold of me. But it does however pass.
Whether it does so on its own, or I untether it. It leaves me. It will return but it doesn’t suffocate me. Not anymore.
I’m so fortunate. I got to have you , dad, and my love Diego, until I was in my 50's.
Dad used to always say “Don’t get old son. It’s a pain in the ass.” Gee, thanks dad?
People dying is as much a part of life as those being born.
At least with the three of you the deaths were all anticipatory.
I’m glad that things played out this way. I was able to process and experience each loss before, during and after.
Life is as a journey not a destination. I’m not in control of others destiny. I have nothing to do with the order of life’s process.
I try to arrange the chess pieces as best I can. Hopefully I’ll have many more moves left for me.
I do the best I can. I’m so glad I learned early on that NO decision that I’ve made has been wrong.
As I’ve grown I realize that each decision I’ve made was correct when I made it.
These collective choices & decisions have helped make up my life.
There are greater forces at work here in my life. It’s not only me.
Nothing was left unsaid to you, to dad, not to Diego.
Each of you knew how much I loved each of you. I in turn knew how much each of you loved me.
I’m fortunate I got my shit together or rather lost my shit at 23.
Getting sober allowed me many years to make peace with my life.
In this case, time was & has been very much on my side.
I made peace with you, myself, and my past.
Things from my childhood took work, writing, processing but I did it all.
I continue to process my life as it comes.
I so love & appreciate you & dad. You certainly did the best you could.
I learned there was more to my childhood beside the chaos, drama & trauma.
You & Dad instilled in me good, & useful values, information & love. Love overflowing.
Our home is now my home. I’ll focus on the love & peace I gleaned from you & dad.
Your love, presence & spirit will always be with me.
I’ll find it in any purple flower I come across. A bird, butterfly or any part of a tree. Be it leaf, branch or sheer majesty of it.
Oh how I miss you deep to my very core.
I hope you are having fun. Are at peace. Together in some way with dad, the love of your life.
It bodes well for me to think you are somehow together.
I love you mom, now & forever.
Until I take my last breath, I will never forget the love, warmth and attention you gave me for all the years of my life.
Your loving son,
Greg
