How SHOULD We Choose The Next President?

I recently heard a question on the amazing Slate Political Gabfest podcast that really resonated with me. The question was simply: how would you choose the next President?

The question is based on the idea that the process of BECOMING President is wildly different than the process of BEING President. As a campaigner, you are primarily a social persona marketing yourself, your personality, and your brand. However, as President, you are responsible for overseeing the largest military and economy in the history of the planet.

What is it about being a good campaigner that translates into being a good head of state? There is an argument that the amount of infrastructure that goes into a well run Presidential campaign lends itself to the type of person who is comfortable with positions of leadership in a high stress environment.

I ain’t buyin’ it.

Here’s how I would choose the next POTUS.

Physical Fitness Course

Anyone who’s ever seen Air Force One knows that the President can be forced into serious hand to hand combat against the Ruskies at any moment.

I’m not saying that only the Jason Statham’s among us are fit for executive leadership, but requiring a 40 minute 5k time and the ability to climb your High School’s rope ladder doesn’t seem too unreasonable. We could weed out about 90% of POTUS applicants right there.

Scientific Acuity Test

The amount of willful ignorance concerning matters of evolution and global warming in the American political arena is simply staggering. If you’re going to lead the most advanced civilization in the history of the world, I need you to know the planet is more than 10,000 years old.

I don’t need you to agree with the 98% of the scientific community who know that global warming is man-made, I just need you to accept that it’s REAL and a PROBLEM.

You also don’t need to need to know the detailed workings of evolution, but if you think that Adam and Eve were real historical people, and that men have fewer ribs than women because women were made of man’s rib, then you’re disqualified immediately.

There, now we’re just left with Democrats and a few Third Party candidates.

Emotional Stability Test

I’m stealing this one from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s wonderful Chardee MacDennis episode.

In the episode, the lead characters all play a home made game that at one stage involves what they call “Emotional Battery”, where the goal is to see if they can make the contestant cry via a barrage of over the line personal insults.

We need to know that the Commander in Chief won’t bring about the nuclear end times because Kim Jong Un remarked about his hands.

I’d hire Jeff Ross to be our national czar of humiliation. It’d be his job to find the right people to emotionally destroy the candidates. I’m talking about WAY over the line stuff. Things that would make Hannibal Buress’ roast of Justin Bieber look tame by comparison

If the candidates could pass the 3 previous tests, they would enter into the final stage:

Battle Bots

All of the remaining candidates would then be placed into a March Madness style bracket where they must fight one another using homemade robots. This would put on display each candidate’s ability to learn on the fly, think tactically under stress, and strategically navigate a field of opponents.

We would provide each candidate with a pre approved set of supplies and 24 hours to create their robot. Every round, they will receive a few supplies and 24 hours for repairs as well as a new item to test how well they’re able to adapt to changing circumstances.

…

This is all fine and well, but we need something to up the ante a little bit. To show us who REALLY wants the job, and who can cope with pressure.

I got it.

We fire and evict from their homes the friends and families of every losing candidate to mimic the effects a garbage Presidency would have on Middle America.

Maybe they’d actually take notice if it was THEIR friends struggling to pay the bills.