3 Things I’ll Do To You, If You Don’t Let Me Drink My Morning Coffee.

If anyone wants to know what happens when they get in the way of me getting my first drink of coffee in the morning, here’s a brief list. I’m sure many of you have similar rules when it comes to your caffeine fix at your job, or at home. These rules are brutal…but so is having to work in the morning without some java.

  1. I’ll Kill You. I will. If anyone before 9am runs up on me with a request or an inquiry of any sort, and I haven’t had any kind of caffeine in my system, I will take the empty office coffee pot that should have been filled with…coffee, and bludgeon them with it. Until I fully wake up. Or, I’ll strangle them with my bare hands while asking “Why did you forget the pumpkin spice latte ??!! Again???!!!”. And if you are one of those health nuts who swears that drinking water wakes you up better than coffee does, I’ll heat up a pot of water, scald you with it, and then giggle. Until I fully wake up.

Sh**’s real. Don’t fu** with my coffee.

2. Ill Cuss You Out. I will. I don’t care if you want to talk about last night’s football game. If you even try to start a conversation with me before I get my cup of joe, you run the risk of unleashing my inner Richard Pryor. And I mean Pryor before he set himself on fire. Yeah, that version. I’m a very nice, enlightened guy. But, if I don’t get my pumpkin spice in the morning, I may say the most inappropriate, foul sh** you’ll ever hear. Let’s put it this way: someone will have to call human resources.

3. I’ll Be Completely Useless To You. Gleefully so. If I’m at work, and you need my help, I ain’t doin’ sh**. If I’m at home, and my lady and/or my dog needs me, it’s not happening. Anything important you may need from me won’t happen until I get that blast of human fuel. Any calls to me in the office are getting transferred. Any questions thrown my way are getting ignored. In short: If you are in an emergency, and I haven’t had my pumpkin spice, you’re gonna die. Sorry.

You all have been warned.

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